Interest or not

Category: A story to tell

  • Merry Christmas

    This Christmas eve I went to bed alone. I woke up early and my pet dog Sage greeted me. It the two of us and we have the whole apartment to ourselves. Sometimes I miss being around family and friends during Christmas. I imagine young children waking up safe and sound warm and dry, clean and with enough good food to eat. With many gifts from their family and friends waiting for them to open around their decorated Christmas tree. My imagination brings me joy and hope and good will towards humanity.

    I know many men women and children are waking up today cold and wet in soiled clothes and hungry having slept outside. I hope and pray for peace and comfort for them today and in the New Year.

    I am very fortunate to have a safe and warm home with a heater and plumbing and electricity in a safe neighborhood. And I’m fortunate that my kitchen is stalked with fresh nutritious foods.

    I’m grateful that I have work. I am grateful for the many men and women who volunteered and donated money and food and their time to charities I benefited from that helped keep me alive when I was homeless.

    I am grateful to live in USA, the country I am from and grew up in. I am grateful for the many things Americans have in United States like a stable Government, police and firefighters, hospitals and Doctors and Military protecting us.

    I am grateful that USA is a powerful country and I hope American US citizens can use our power to help other countries with less means to care for and protect their people.

    Before I was homeless I worked full time for many years starting at age 15. I paid income taxes on my work accomplished and I’m grateful to be a recipient of Social Security Disability Insurance. I’m grateful I can afford to pay for my medication that helps my mental health. I’m grateful my insurance covers my meetings with a Therapist I elected to meet with regularly. I live very far away, half way across the country from my closest in distance family. I am no longer a young boy and making friends in my local community is not as basic as it was in my home town many years ago.

    I’m grateful for my co-workers I’m getting to know better. I’m grateful for a local organization I’ve volunteered with and for my friends I’ve made volunteering together.

    I’m grateful I have the opportunity to earn as much money as possible and if and when I earn enough money will no longer qualify to receive SSDI. This is my opportunity. I am physically strong and able bodied. My mental health is very important to me and taking medication to reduce negative symptoms of my mental health is working.

    I’m grateful I own a car and do all my shopping and buy groceries and run errands and drive to work and to visit places in town and further away.

    I am grateful for the people I meet almost every day in town when I go to buy a cup of hot coffee in a cafe and when I shop in stores.

    I have so many things to be grateful for. I’m grateful I was able to start over from owning only the clothes I wore on my back to leasing an apartment I’ve filled with my possessions I’ve bought and gathered such as a cluster of sea shells I picked up on a beach.

    I’m grateful my ability to develop websites I kept although on hold through the years homeless I am currently using to give back to the local community. To learn about my new project helping to feed homeless people and people experiencing food insecurity in this region visit the website at https://nourishlink.org

    I hope to build Nourish Link with the help of many people who have skills that I don’t posses and bring insight and strength to the project beyond what I alone have began. I hope Nourish Link helps to feed many thousands of people in need of food support.

    I hope you and your loved ones are safe and warm.

    JAG

  • Thank you

    I received a book delivery today from a person working at Amazon. Title: The Story of My Life by Author Helen Keller. Thank you.

    I don’t know you, not that I know. I don’t know what implored you to give me the book. I believe I might have a secret admirer. In todays age, 2025 with all the rules and regulations and contracts people sign at work there might be a bigger reason why your identity is a secret to me.

    I started reading the book and am enjoying it. Thank you very much. I remember learning about Helen Keller in Elementary school and didn’t know much about her other than she was deaf and blind and learned to read brail and how to write.

    Later in High School my younger sister was cast as the role of Helen Keller in our High School theatrical performance of Hellen Keller. I learned then that Hellen Keller was an inspiration to many people. I don’t remember the performance very well my sister held the lead in. My sister was proud to play the lead in the performance. The story of Helen Keller inspired her. I’m looking forward to reading the book.

    I’m considering the gift as encouragement in the path I am on. Just over one week ago I started a new project. Information about it is at https://nourishlink.org I’ve started many projects and won’t say I’ve completed them all. I’ve learned from my failures. The new project I started feels hopeful. It’s as if it is my baby. I want to coddle it and feed it and care for it and give it attention. That’s the stage it’s in. There’s nothing to expect from Nourish Link at the early pilot beta manifestation that it is.

    I am an opinionated writer. I believe I encourage some of my readers in the words I share and surely put off readers who disagree with me politically. I imagine that you, who gave me the book appreciates my political views. New Books and delivery charges add up and I appreciate every word in it.

    Sometimes I wish that people who read my posts would write a comment and I’ve come to realize for the time being anonymity might have more to do with following rules of employment which is completely understandable, makes sense and is logical.

    Life is a blessing. There’s so much to be grateful for. Thanks again for the book.

    J.A.G.

  • Dream dream dream, dreeeeam

    I have some recurring dreams. By some I mean hundreds of dreams of being at my father’s house. The last one felt so real it hurt. I was a young boy and that’s what hurt. It hurt because I’m a middle age man and the details in my dream were vivid.

    Childhood is more than a game with good friends and caring adults. For the reader who’s grown into their adulthood looking back at their childhood might bring a smile or a tear or a frown to their face. Honestly, the emotion brought back from delving into a childhood memory can be very specific. One memory might be all happy. And brings a smile to their lips when thought about. Honestly, while it is said time goes by in a blink, like childhood is there one moment and gone the next.

    What makes a child an adult? The question seems odd. It takes time to grow. The words “grow up” comes to my mind. I don’t remember being told to grow up. I’m an adult. It took 47 years of growing to get here.

    Childhood is one stage of life. Before childhood is infancy. I believe, I could be wrong and I believe after the infancy stage of life is the toddler stage of life. The word toddler brings to my mind a very young child learning to walk and run. Possibly taking his or her first steps. The words toddling along comes to my mind of a very young child going at their own pace learning to walk.

    In my minds eye, the stage of life from being a child to a young adult is around 5 years old to puberty around 12 or 13 years old. I remember in middle school being told by teachers us classmates were young adults.

    In my dream I would have been a young adult at home in my dad’s house in the awkwardness of puberty. I cried out, “Dad help” in my dream then woke up. My desk is next to a lamp next to my bed. I got up to type. My desk is also my office space. The light on the ceiling is off. I got up and turned the heater on and saw through the dark to my desk and chair.

    I just got up to smoke a cigarette. Outside at the door of the apartment I call home. I stood facing the street looking beyond where my minivan is parked on the parking lot, beyond the road, above the curb on the other side of the road on the neighbor’s lawn is a tree. The tree is tall and alive and directly in view across from the entrance to the apartment. It’s a quiet night, early in the wee hours of a new day. I put the cigarette out before finishing it then rinsed the smell of tobacco off my hands and gulped milk from the gallon container in the fridge. I live alone. There is no one else to take offense from me drinking directly from the milk container. In the dark I dogged wet spots on the carpet where my dog peed. Later in the morning would be a good time to shampoo the carpet in my room where the dog pees and poops sometimes when I’m away at work during the day.

    There was smoking when I was a young adult. My dad smoked. I started smoking regularly when I was going to middle school.

    Maybe I’m finally getting over the reoccurring dreams I have while I sleep of my dad’s house. I don’t want to be haunted by them.

  • Luck

    I’m very lucky. I was in court 4.5 years ago and the judge told me I can not own a firearm. I’m lucky because I have no interest in owning a firearm. Violence doesn’t interest me. The only place I can stand violence is on a movie screen. Generally I’d rather watch a movie that is not violent. I still enjoy watching action and suspense movies on occasion and I leave the drama on the screen.

    I’ve had a lot of drama in my life when I was a kid and since then as an adult. The judge also told me in court that I need to take my prescription for the rest of my life. That is an order I accept. I accept both orders from the judge. I’ve been taking my medication every day for almost 5 years and went from living outdoors on the streets to having a home again.

    I have a car and a job and a pet dog and I pay my bills on time. I don’t know why the judge ruled that I can’t posses a firearm and that’s ok with me. I think it has to do with my case where I was barely recognized as being able to stand trial. The judge and prosecutor against me debated whether I was mentally competent to stand trial. I was doing very good taking my medication every day and going to all my psychologist and therapist meetings and doing well and showing improvement in the half way house I was living in. All these things combined had to do with the decision that I could stand trial.

    I was granted an attorney because I couldn’t afford one and he did a good job defending me in court. I have a long history of being in and out of psychological hospitals. Never for harming anyone else and never for self harm but when I was off my medication my behavior became very erratic and out of an abundance of caution I was brought in as an inpatient in numerous psychiatric hospitals.

    The first time I was a patient in a psychiatric hospital I was 30 and have gone back a number of times. I’m 47 and the last time I was in a psychiatric hospital was almost 5 years ago. I’m doing good these days. I live in an apartment I lease half way across the country from where I was born and grew up.

    I made many bad decisions as a teenager and in my twenties and grew up around many bad influences that were involved in illegal drugs and crime. I am grateful to be living safe and secure very very very far and away from those negative influences that surrounded me growing up and in my twenties.

    Life is not perfect, it’s not perfect for anyone. Sometimes I want more than what I can afford. I want to live in an apartment with a fenced in yard for my dog so she can go outside all day. It seems cruel to keep my dog inside almost every hour of the day every day.

    I’m keeping my hopes up. I would like to get off SSDI and go back to work full time. If I do that I could afford to rent a better apartment or a house with a fenced in yard for my dog.

    I’d like to be able to provide for a woman. I’d like to start a family and my experience having had a very difficult time just taking care of myself and staying housed makes the prospect of being able to provide for a woman less likely.

    Who knows, maybe I’ll fall in love with a sugar girlfriend who can afford to pay all the expenses. It could happen. I’m not holding my breath. If that were to happen there is a higher probability that if we have children that our kids are more likely to have mental health impairments.

    I have schizophrenia. I’ve been told by Doctor’s that my condition will deteriorate over time and my symptoms will increase. Schizophrenia is considered a life long disease. It’s not contagious but children of parents with schizophrenia have a higher risk of having mental health problems.

    I can see why a woman who want’s to have children would not want my sperm to get pregnant with. We could still love each other and raise a family together, but to be safe we would be wise to find a sperm sample from a sperm donor at a facility where men donate sperm to impregnate her.

    Schizophrenia is a serious mental health disease people have died from how they acted due to their symptoms. It causes hallucinations both visual and auditory. When a person with schizophrenia is experiencing their symptoms it can be very difficult to have a conversation with them. Often they become paranoid and irrational. Their words get mixed up and they have a difficult time communicating. This causes many problems because they are seeing things that are not real and hearing things that no one else hears.

    The down side of taking my medication every day is that some days I don’t want to leave my home. I’d rather lay on the couch and in bed almost all day. I might not even take my dog on a walk. I might be completely unmotivated. Those are difficult days.

    Work helps. I like to work and I like to be busy and have things to do. But I don’t work full time. I work part time. I can keep my SSDI benefits and work part time. If I go back to work full time I’ll lose my SSDI benefits.

    It’s scary because my SSDI benefits make up a significant amount of my monthly bills. That’s not what’s scary, what’s scary is that if I found a full time job and got hired there would be work days when I’d rather be home instead of working.

    I think that’s normal for many people, and people who don’t have a mental health disability are better at coping with wishing they were at home when they are working a full time job.

    I’m physically healthy. I am a laborer and can probably work another 20 years or longer doing labor. I’d like to think I can go back to work full time for 20 plus more years.

  • Video Game’s 2nd Post

    I played my new video game system this morning. Wow. I have over 20,000 retro video games to play. I’ve played some of the first video games I ever played this morning in December 2025. I was not yet 10 years old when I started playing games on computers and video games on TV. It brings me back in my mind to when I was content to sit in front of a screen for hours and play a game. Life was much simpler for me then. Fighting and shooting and killing an opponent was first introduced to me playing games on computers and video games. They were all graphics and surreal sounds and at the time were very advanced.

    I grew up at home in a safe and secure environment. Violence and drugs were not part of my childhood. My parents were never violent and did not use drugs. That’s not to say that there were not problems at home. My parents separated and divorced when I was 4 years old. My older sister was 8 and my younger sister was 2. Like any family experiencing a separation and divorce it was very difficult for all of us. My dad left my mom for another woman.

    It’s interesting to see how computer and video games mimmick real life problems, and at the same time they are artificial. Video and computer games are more about action generally. Some of these games focus on the players mental strengths like chess.

    Video and computer games are designed for kids in general and more and more adults are playing them these days. It’s difficult to explain the peace I feel with a hand held game control directing a character on a screen to run and jump and kick and hit and shoot and dodge. It feels appropriate. I’m 47 years old and playing video games. While it doesn’t change the past, in some ways playing a video game puts a new perspective on the past.

    It’s just me home alone with my pet dog and myself in front of my TV playing video games. No one in my home is separating. No one in my home is getting a divorce. My home these days is my safe place where those things have not happened. It doesn’t stop them from happening and they don’t apply to me. My home is my comfort zone. I can invite guests over to play video games. I’m 47 and live in an apartment far and away from my childhood friends. People I know in my community I met while volunteering and at work. Do they play video games? Probably some of them do. Probably some of them would like to compete with me at a video game.

    Video games are a realm consisting mostly of my past from when I was a young boy. I’ve grown. Times have changed and some things have not changed much. Many of my friends started families and have children. They have careers and mortgages. They are far and away half way across the country in the community where I was born. And they have moved all across the country and to different countries. They are not down the block from me. They are not a simple phone call away. These days we keep in contact with Facebook. A post here, a text there. A picture of what they are up to.

    Video games are used for many reasons. I think in the worst case, players use video games to temporarily escape realities of life. Balance is important. Too much time in front of a screen is not healthy whether it’s for work or to watch news or for entertainment. I think the best scenario for video game players is to balance time playing the game with time used for everything else away from the realm of watching a screen.

    When I’m home I can play video games. I have many responsibilities managing my environment that have nothing to do with watching a screen. That’s adulting. It’s good to grow and it’s good to age. It’s good to be 47 and strong and healthy and able bodied. It’s good to be free and to live here in America in Oregon in my apartment I lease and a valued tenant and valued resident and valued in the community where I live.

  • Video Games

    I bought a toy. I bought a video game. Actually I bought 20,000 plus video games. It’s a retro video game console. The games that are included were made in the 80’s and the 90’s. It arrived from the Amazon delivery driver Tuesday and I put it to work right away. Today is Thursday 5:30 am.

    I’ve played a handful of video games for less than 30 minutes. It doesn’t hold my attention very strongly. Music videos and News and the occasional Movie interest me more. The video game console came with two hand held controls to play with a friend.

    The controller has 10 buttons that dictate the direction of the player on the game and things like jumping, kicking, punching and shooting. The controller seems more advanced than the games and only having played a handful of the 20,000 + games I will learn in time if there are games in the console that utilize all 10 buttons on the controller.

    I played Mario Bro’s, a fighting game, and ghost and goblins game and a soccer game and another type of fighting game. Who knows I might get into gaming and play it for hours every day. It’s possible and doesn’t seem likely. I’m 47 and feel a little embarrassed to play video games. They are surely built for younger generations. That’s ok, I’m young at heart and might have fun playing video games.

    I’m glad I only paid $35 for the video game system. That’s a reasonable investment considering the last time I played video games often was 33 years ago when I was 14 years old. Maybe I’ll find a friend near my age who enjoys playing video games.

    The video game graphics are from the 80’s and 90’s and adapt fairly to my large 4k flat screen TV. The video game graphics are not nearly as clear and clean as video game ads I’ve seen and that’s ok. Again, it’s a $35 investment. It might last for years and is equivalent to the price of a good meal and cocktail at a restaurant.

    Let the gaming begin!

  • Kill em with kindness

    Remember this, just because someone didn’t go to or graduate from college doesn’t make them MAGA. Trump the man child resonating with uneducated Americans is not about stupidity. Stupid and uneducated are not the same.

    Uneducated people have a moral compass, care about people who are different than themselves, care about immigrants, equality, LGBTQ+ individuals and the environment. Trump used threats and fear to rally support. College educated people are better prepared at responding to threats and a fear-based person attempting to lead and that’s a big reason why we didn’t vote for Trump.

    Calling people stupid doesn’t win them over, it doesn’t encourage them to think for themselves. When a person is called stupid over and over again, they respond to threats and fear in unhealthy ways when undereducated Americans voted for Trump.

    The way forward is to not insult Americans and to not call Americans stupid. The way to vote better leaders into office is by encouraging Americans to be better people and think for themselves.

    We are stuck with Trump for another year. If we impeach Trump next year we need all the support we can get, that includes treating MAGA with emotional support and encouragement to impeach.

    Calling people stupid and saying MAGA is a cult doesn’t support their ability to make a resounding vote by Americans to impeach. Forgiving the vote for Trump is the way to encourage MAGA to vote and elect better officials.

    The majority of American voters responding to Trump had to do with preexisting problems in American entertainment. What Americans consider entertainment apposed to what Americans consider cruelty is a big problem. Calling people dumb and stupid is not entertaining; it perpetuates fear and is threatening.

    Encourage undereducated Americans to impeach Trump by being kind. Lead with compassion and with care towards Americans regardless of who they voted for.

    Stand up for yourself and others. Speak out against tyranny and authoritarianism. Speak up for immigrants and the environment and against Trump. I believe it would be difficult to forgive Trump for deporting a law-abiding American immigrant member of your family. There is a lot of hate and rage about Trump for doing this.

    Center the hate and rage in your core and melt it into compassion. Fight hate with kindness, This is how we will overcome.

    Kill Em With kindness

  • I’m glad Thanksgiving day is over

    Americans throughout United States are encouraged to come together and share meals together on Thanksgiving day. I think the idea is great and it is also a cause of a lot of unwanted pressure.

    This Thanksgiving I was home alone with my pet dog. I ate good food and took my dog for a walk at a nearby park.

    I miss my family who are all very far away. I could not afford to travel to be with my family on Thanksgiving day.

    That’s ok, there will be many more visits and vacations I share with my family.

    Americans have many stories about Thanksgiving. One is that early settlers from Europe and Native Americans came together and shared food. While that may be true, early European settlers were the aggressors in many battles against Native Americans. Many Native Americans were killed and their land was taken from them.

    My ancestors are European and settled in United States many generations ago. Certainly some of my ancestors were the cause of Native Americans grief and loss of life and land.

    I wouldn’t change Thanksgiving and I am also sensitive to Native Americans and their struggle for equality. Native Americans deserve to have the same rights and opportunities as those of us from European settler ancestors.

    Native Americans are US Citizens and deserve the same rights as all US Citizens. Native Americans deserve to own and live on their ancestral lands that they govern when they choose to and to live anywhere in the Americas.

    Native Americans culture is beautiful and sacred and well and alive throughout United States and the Americas.

    Unfortunately Native Americans have been discriminated against by non-native Americans for hundreds of years.

    Americans young and old do the world a favor by respecting and caring for Native Americans so they may live in peace where they wish and prosper in their own communities and in society side by side all Americans.

    No one is illegal on stolen land.

    Immigrants make America great.

    Peace and love

  • What’s real

    This post I’m typing with my hands using my laptop computer in my home office connected to the internet will be real for visitors to read when I publish it this hour. It’s 1:09pm Pacific time. I’m typing this in Medford Oregon U.S.A.

    How can you the visitor reading this post know what’s written was really made from a living breathing human and not an Artificial Intelligence powered robot? The question is more important to humans now than the same question would have been five years ago in 2020.

    Today is November 18th 2025. How do you the visitor reading this post know that todays date written on this post is the actual date when it was created? This question is also more important to humans now than at any other time.

    When I press the PUBLISH button on the top right side of my screen with my pointer and select arrow tool every word and sentence and paragraph will be published with a time stamp at the top of the post live online for visitors connected to the internet.

    The moment I press PUBLISH might seem irrelevant to the visitor reading this post and is more important to humans now than ever before.

    Everything I’ve written might seem boring to read and mundane information to learn to most visitors viewing this post. To Artificial Intelligence the content of this post can be interpreted in many ways.

    Artificial Intelligence is becoming used more and more to create audio and video content and still images. AI is used more and more to edit photographs. Trillions of dollars have been spent investing in AI technology for all these reasons.

    Human visitors to websites view and listen to content not knowing if it was created by a human or a robot. This is something many of us humans are anxious about. Still images of people on the internet are not what they used to be because of the use of AI. What is an AI generated image and what is a real photograph created with a camera is a popular question for more and more of us humans.

    We like to know what’s a real photograph specifically when it comes to photos of people. If an image looks like a photograph it might be or it might have been edited by a human using an AI tool.

    The same goes for voices when you pick up your phone to answer a call. If the caller is unknown is it a real living breathing human who called your phone or is it a robots voice powered using artificial intellegence.

    All these questions humans have are more present than ever before and what they mean have different implications to different people with different jobs and reasons for looking, listening, watching and being exposed to.

    Does this information make you excited, happy, confident, nervous, curious or some of each?

    I believe much more good will come of AI. While few people will make the most money using AI, more and more people will be able to earn money using AI. I hope you have fun accessing the internet and stay curious.

  • The gift of eyesight

    I don’t know what I’d do without my eyesight. People who are blind are courageous. Learning to navigate the world without eyesight must be one of the most difficult things a human can accomplish. I am very grateful for my eyesight. The ability to look all around me and see clearly, I don’t take for granted. Sometimes I find myself nervous and fearing that I might lose my eyesight in an accident. In general, I am confident in my ability to stay safe and keep my eyesight.

    Good health is a blessing and protecting health is very important. Learning to walk with a cane designed for blind people would be a big challenge to accomplish. Learning to read brail would be a big challenge to accomplish. Challenges are part of life and every person faces challenges in their lives unique to them.

    My guess is blind people learn to trust what they don’t see. They learn to be confident in what they feel. Losing eyesight at any age would be devastating.

    I’m glad that US Citizens who are born blind and become blind later in their lives are afforded SSDI payments to help them live their best lives in peace and comfort and safety. I’m glad that some of the taxes I pay for work I do goes to help blind people live their best lives.

    The world although safe and secure in many regions includes regions that are not safe for human life. Threatening weather conditions are often the cause of loss of life. Many of the problems that threaten human life are caused by humans.

    The ability to see with my eyes is a gift. Sometimes incidents happen in life that are scary to see and watch, scary to read about, scary to hear about, scary to be there in a dangerous situation. Nonetheless eyesight is a gift and as a human with good eyesight sometimes it requires courage to look and listen and learn what is happening.

    This is about being human and facing fears. Ignoring negative things and incidents and problems doesn’t make them go away. Rather looking with my eyes at what happens at home and in my community and in the world is a gift and sometimes difficult to witness.

    Everyone makes a difference. What you see is important, it might not always be what you wished to see and that is life. Life is worth living and life is precious. It’s important to speak up and share what you see with people. The phrase, “If you see something say something” has both positive and negative connotations. Sharing what you see with people strengthens community and helps people by looking out for danger to help people avoid it.

    Helping people feels good. Strengthening community feels good. Life is good. Make the most of it.