Interest or not

Tag: family

  • Health Care & abiding by the Law

    I have so much to be grateful for. Grateful and thankful. After being homeless for 6 years then through police intervention I was put in the environment where recovery was possible. At the time I didn’t like being locked in the psychiatric hospital and that is where I needed to be. While in the psychiatric hospital I began recovering. My health improved and I was transported to a different psychiatric care treatment center where I continued to recover. At the second psychiatric care treatment center I was told that I can leave when ever I want. It didn’t make sense to me at the time. I still had a lot of recovering to do. During the day I participated in group therapy sessions, ate three hot meals a day, exercised, got fresh air outside, read books, watched TV and was able to keep to myself when I didn’t want to be around other people. I stayed inside the treatment center and went outside only on the treatment center property.

    A representative with Social Services contacted me while I was recovering at the treatment center. I was told that I got to choose where I would go when I was scheduled to leave.

    There were two options available for me. At the time I had no posessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack with supplies in it for living outdoors. I had no money and no savings then.

    The treatment center was located in Grants Pass Oregon. I knew nothing about Grants Pass and knew no one in Grants Pass other than the other patients I met while I was in the treatment center and the members of the staff.

    I had never visited Grants Pass before being placed in the treatment center and for this reason I did not know my way around the community.

    There is a foster care Mission for adult men in Grants Pass that gave me an invitation to live at their Mission. The Social Services representative scheduled a time when I could take a tour of the Mission and met me at the treatment center then drove me to the Mission and went on the tour with me.

    I didn’t want to live in the Mission and told the Social Services representative. The representative with Social Services had one more option for me.

    There was a foster care Mission for Adult men and women in Medford that gave me an invitation to live at their Mission. The Social Services representative scheduled a time when I could take a tour of the Mission in Medford and met me at the treatment center then drove me to the Mission in Medford and took the tour with me.

    I liked the Mission in Medford and could see myself living there. I had more recovery to do. I was told that I could move to the Mission in Medford but first I had to have the warrant for me dropped. I needed to go to the Jail in Medford and have my fingerprints taken before they could drop the warrant.

    Soon enough the day came when I would be released from the treatment center. The Social Services representative met me at the treatment center and before I was released a member of the Staff gave me a care bag with things I would need that included a supply of my prescribed medication and toiletries and snacks.

    The Social Services representative drove me to a motel in Medford and paid for a room for me for one month. The next day the Social Services representative met me at the motel and drove me to a pantry that donated food to me. Then the Social Services representative drove me to a Good Will Store where he helped me buy some cooking equipment to use with the microwave in the motel room. The motel room had a minifridge where I kept the perishable food.

    I had a food benefit card and a library card and during the day I bought a few snacks at a Store near the motel and walked to the Public Library where I looked at books and found one I liked and checked out.

    I had been in a psychiatric hospital and then in a psychiatric treatment center for three months and not used to making my own schedule and having a place to stay and being able to stay and leave when I choose. My prescribed medication was helping me a lot and I still had recovery to do. I was not used to having my own room and kitchenette and bathroom all to myself.

    I was not used to feeling safe and secure and having privacy at the same time while inside.

    These days I rent an apartment in Medford Oregon. I went back to work part time. I have a pet therapy dog and I schedule appointments with a therapist when I want to. I live in a safe residential neighborhood several blocks away from a hospital and shopping centers. I have a car and I buy groceries and do all the errands I need to on my own.

    I’ve gone on several vacations since getting back into housing. I flew to Colorado and then to Florida where I rented a car and drove to my families home to visit. The beach was wonderful. Then I flew back to Colorado and rode a bus to the community where my family lives and they picked me up at the bus station. I stayed with family in Colorado and enjoyed being in my home town knowing I had a good home to go back to in Oregon. I flew back to Oregon and picked up my car at the airport parking lot in Medford, paid for parking and drove home. Then I picked up my dog from the woman I hired to pet sit while I was away and brought my dog home.

    I remember during my month stay at the motel in Medford several days after I checked in I was visiting the Public Library and logged in at a Public Computer where I did a search online for where in Medford I could go to pick up more medication in my prescription.

    I walked to the Jail and got my fingerprints taken. The rest of the time during that month I stayed in the motel room a whole lot. It was June 2021 and the hottest recorded day in Medford in late June. The warrant was dropped.

    It was July 3rd and I was ready to leave the motel the next morning. I checked out at the front desk and my mom met me at the motel and drove me to the Mission. The Mission office was closed July 4th and I had already checked out of the motel. My mom drove me to a different motel and paid for a room for me where I stayed the night.

    The next morning I checked out of the motel and walked to the Mission. It had been 4 months since I walked that far and my backpack was filled with my things. I remember the backpack feeling very heavy under the hot July sun rays.

    At the Mission office a member of the Staff met me and began my orientation meeting where I agreed to treat everyone with respect and respect the property and participate in the daily bible study courses and go to church services every Sunday, and do chores every day to help keep the Mission clean. I agreed to all the rules that included I would stay celibate and not seek employment and not work and that I would check out at the desk before leaving the property and indicate when I would return before leaving and that I would be back on the property every night by 8pm and that I would stay on the property in the men’s dorm room on the bed every night while I was a resident of the Mission.

    I just got back home a few minutes ago. I have the day off work. I drove across town to a restaurant that makes delicious made to order sandwiches. I ate a lettuce turkey cranberry jelly croissant with a pickle spear on the side and salt and vinegar potato chips at a table. The restaurant was busy and the meal was spot on.

    I continued recovering at the Mission. I volunteered in the kitchen and helped prepare meals for the residents and the staff. The dining area welcomes the Medford community to eat a free dinner at the Mission every night of the week. I stayed at the Mission for almost 6 months. While I was in adult foster care my mom helped me apply for SSDI. While waiting for an answer from Social Security I continued to volunteer in the kitchen and participated in bible study every day and went to church services every Sunday. Sometimes I would leave for the afternoon and my mom would pick me up outside the Mission and we’d eat lunch at a restaurant. I enjoyed visiting the Public Library during the day.

    One day I received a response to my application with Social Security for SSDI. I was awarded SSDI. Before I was homeless I worked as an employee for many years since I was 15. Because I paid taxes on my income since I started working and because a Psychiatrist diagnosed me as having schizophrenia I was awarded money from SSDI. My award from SSDI enabled me to buy a car. I started receiving monthly payments from SSDI. I had enough money to move out of the Mission, out of adult foster care and out on my own.

    Very many men women volunteers and health care workers made the life I live possible. People I did not know donated food, water, medicine, and shelter. People volunteered their time working hands on with homeless people I was one of. People with financial wealth donated money to charities I benefited from.

    I have many blessings. Life is good.

    After the warrant was dropped a court date was scheduled for me to be present at. An attorney was assigned to my case free of charge because I could not afford to hire an attorney. There was a back log of cases ahead of me and my court date kept being postponed. During this time I met with the Attorney who was defending me several times in his office to prepare his defense.

    The day finally came when I was scheduled to be present in court and the Judge had time to hear my case. In court I had an opportunity to apologize to everyone present for the crime I was accused of and I apologized. The Judge told me what I could not do in the future and that I was being placed on bench probation.

    I was ordered to meet with a psychiatrist regularly and a therapist regularly for as long as they required. I was told that I needed to take my prescribed medication for the rest of my life. I agreed with everything the Judge ordered and told me to do. I have been taking my prescribed medication every day since my rehabilitation began. I went to every scheduled meeting with the psychiatrist and the therapist for as long as they wanted me to.

    I’m not from here. I’m from Colorado, half way across the country from Oregon. I was homeless for two years when I arrived in Oregon and remained homeless in Oregon for four more years before police intervened and put me in the psychiatric hospital environment where I began to recover.

    Since I moved to Oregon to be closer to my family who were living in Oregon and the North West while I was homeless, they all moved away to the Eastern Coast of United States. I have a large family and they all live very far away from Southern Oregon.

    I met few people while I was homeless and did not make friends with other homeless people. I knew no one in the North West other than my family before I arrived in Oregon.

    Being in a new to me community is a blessing because where I’m from in Colorado the people I called friends where all bad influences on me. They were either selling illegal drugs or doing illegal drugs or both and I was an addict. My addiction to illegal drugs was a major reason that led me to homelessnes.

    In Oregon I don’t know anyone outside of work and Church and where I’ve volunteered. I knew a woman I dated for two years since getting back into housing. I haven’t seen her in over a year and that is fine by me. It wasn’t meant to be.

    I completed bench probation and after four years of good behavior my legal record is expunged.

    My background check comes back clean and clear. An Employer can hire me and I can compete in the work force with the best of them.

    It’s good to be me. It’s good to play by the rules. Life is good

  • 5 years ago this week

    I “graduated” from living in a secure mental health rehab facility. I moved into a motel room.

    Leading up to police intervention that put me in a psychiatric hospital I had been homeless living outdoors most nights for 6 years. My story is a miracle. Today I’m writing from my desk in my room in the apartment I lease. I have a job and a car I’m financing. I live half way across the country from the negative influences that had a grip on me and caused me to make very wrong choices and unhealthy actions that led me to homelessness.

    Writing every memory from when I was homeless feels impossible and not necessary. What’s important is that I went from having lost all my possessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack and relying on hand outs from strangers and food stamps to eat to living in a good apartment I furnished in a good neighborhood in a thriving community.

    There are many people I can thank for making my life as I know it possible. Over the years I was homeless very many volunteers helped me survive. People I had never met opened warming centers and shelters at night on some of the coldest snowy icy nights when I slept warm and safe inside.

    Many years before I became homeless I was diagnosed with bipolar syndrome and then years later my mental health deteriorated and I my diagnosis became scitzophrenia. I am very fortunate that medication for these diseases are cheap. Still for years I was very adverse to taking any prescribed medication and did not take my prescription regularly or at all.

    When I became homeless for 6 years I had not taken medication for my scitzophrenia for over two years. Being placed in the psychiatric hospital got me back on my prescription. That is where my rehabilitation began. It seems like I was in the psychiatric hospitals for 3 months. I started taking my prescribed medication every day. I participated in group therapy and met with a psychiatrist regularly while I was staying in the psychiatric hospital.

    I remember while staying in the psychiatric hospital for meals us patients were given plastic utensils that were the shape of a spoon and a for combined to eat with. No fork, no spoon, no butter knife. One utensil to eat with. It was part of the rehabilitation. At first I was given sandwiches and food I could eat with my hands. Only later was I given a spork utensile to eat with. After a while I was given a fork and a spoon and a butter knife to eat with.

    The number one and number two threats patients in psychiatric hosptials are is to themselves and to others. It took three months of constant supervision and video surveillance of me including me willingly taking my prescribed medication every day before I rehabilitated to when I was free to leave.

    During that time I was in contact with a professional working for social services. When I was released from the mental health rehabilitation facility the social services professional met me and drove me to a motel and paid for a room for me to stay in for one month. He also helped me get donated food from a local organization that helps food insecure people and he helped buy me some cooking equipment to use with the microwave in the room I was staying in, in the motel.

    During the day I visited the public library and with my food benefit card I made some food purchases at a store near the motel. I was still used to living outside and spent most of the month in the motel room. During that time I also went to the police station and gave them my fingerprints and agreed to go to a court date that was scheduled for the crime I was accused of while homeless with a warrant for me attached to it. The warrant was dropped.

    After the warrant was dropped I was welcomed to the Gospel Mission where I lived for 6 months in the mens dorm room on a cot. In the Gospel Mission I went to church every Sunday and studied the bible during the week. I did chores every day and I helped cook meals for the residents. While living in the Gospel Mission my biological family helped me apply for SSDI. After several months I was awarded SSDI.

    While living in the Gospel Mission I went to my scheduled court date where an attorney was appointed to defend me because I could not afford to hire one. During sentencing I was given one year of bench probation and ordered to continue to meet with a psychiatrist for as long as the psychiatrist recommended. The Judge also said to me and made it clear that I would need to take my prescribed medication for the rest of my life. I agreed with the Judge and apologized for my behavior that got me in trouble.

    I moved to an apartment in December where I had my own room living with 3 other adults, men and women. I lived in the apartment for one year. After living in the apartment for 10 months I went back to work part time for a temp to hire employment agency. During that time I also sought out a therapist from a online list of therapists at psychology.com. I scheduled a telehealth appointment with her and have been meeting with her regularly since.

    One year after moving into the apartment I moved into my own apartment I lease to this day. I started meeting with the therapist in person in my living room regularly. Meeting with the therapist in my home was a significant improvement to meeting with her via telehealth. Since then we started meeting at a local cafe I recommended where we now meet regularly. My therapist signed off on paperwork that enabled me to get a pet therapy dog.

    I completed bench probation and went to each and every meeting scheduled with a psychiatrist and therapist until it was no longer a requirement.

    I’m doing much better these days. I take care of my dog and take her on walks. My credit score improved. I went on a vacation to visit my biological family three years ago. I flew to Colorado and to Florida and visited my parents in both states. I rented a car in Florida and drove from the airport to where I stayed in a guest room in the assisted living residence where my mom lives.

    Two summers ago I went on vacation and rented a car and drove to Washington to visit my sister and her family.

    Last summer my mom and my half sister Hannah visited me and stayed with me in my home on separate visits.

    This Spring I went on a 3 day vacation where I rented a room in an Inn beside upper Rogue River and fished for trout and salmon. I caught 5 fish and they were all under 1 foot and released all of them. I brought my dog who was patient at the waters edge while I fished.

    Since getting back from the fishing trip I financed a car. I traded in my old minivan and the value was put into the car I financed through the dealership. I also became a member of the Church I began attending in February.

    I am a success story in living flesh.

  • A new to me car

    On Friday I went looking to buy a used car. I’d been impressed driving newer cars at work to and from the airport delivering them to the rental car company. And I’d been impressed driving newer cars at work in a local car auction. The value I experienced driving these newer cars was a motivator to buy a newer car.

    I took my minivan to the car wash and got a delux exterior wash and vacumed the inside. Then I drove home and and took warm water and soap and rags to the interior. It looked a lot better. I took miscellaneous objects in the door seats and center console and set them out of site in the glove compartment. I took out the throw rug that covered the running boar in the back of the minivan. It was ready to trade in for a newer car. The last thing I did was take the title to the minivan I owned clean and clear in my name and set it on top of the objects in the glove compartment. I was ready to trade it in.

    The first car dealership I went to was where I bought the minivan. I parked and looked around at their inventory and was not satisfied with what I saw. I drove to another local used car dealership, parked and was greeted by Jose, a salesman on the lot. I had a good feeling about Jose and he showed me about 10 cars before I found one I liked. I told Jose I was looking to trade in my minivan to offput some of the sales price on a used car.

    The car I liked is a white 2019 Kia Soul hatchback with 53,000 miles on the engine. I went on a test drive with Jose and the car felt good to drive. The sticker price on the car was $14,999. I wasn’t prepared to buy the car but I was prepared to finance a car.

    After talking about the car I liked with Jose and test driving it I was sold on the idea of applying to finance the car. Now was time for negotiation on the price. I told Jose I’d like to trade in my minivan for $2,000. While an employee of the dealership drove my minivan and had a mechanic check out the condition of the engine I sat in Jose’s office and we talked money. I asked if he could take $500 off the asking price. Jose said he could as his boss.

    Soon the employee returned with my minivan. They liked it and they wanted to finance the Kia Soul to me. They wouldn’t budge on the sales price of the Kia Soul but they did offer me $2,500 for my minivan in trade in value. I agreed with Jose to finance the Kia Soul and the employee who worked in finance at the dealership checked the numbers and prepared the paperwork for me to sign.

    It took a while for everything to be finalized but I was in no hurry and didn’t need to be anywhere else. I agreed to put $1,000 down on the Kia Soul and with the trade in money going to the Kia Soul it took another $2,500 off the $14,999. I have a good credit score and employment history working for the same company for almost 5 years. And I receive SSDI for my disability. And I had zero debt before financing the car.

    Nick who works in financing calculated a 72 month finance agreement with monthly payments of $229.98 at 11.9% interest and a requirement that I keep full coverage insurance on the car.

    Before I went looking to buy a newer car I called a local credit union and they said they would be able to get me a 5.9% interest on financing a used car in the price range I was looking to buy.

    I agreed to finance the car and signed the sales agreement Nick gave to me. I gave my minivan key to Jose and took everything in it out. Jose gave me the key to the Kia Soul and I put everything in it.

    And that was it, the car is financed to me in my name. Saturday morning I met with a lender at the Credit Union to refinance the Kia Soul and after checking out the details of the existing financing Randy confirmed with me that she car refinance the hatchback with a 5.9% interest rate when the car is registered to me. I’d already paid the dealership to register the car to me. It might take a few weeks or a month. When I receive the plates and registration in the mail I’ll make an appointment with Randy at the Credit Union to refinance the car.

    About the minivan. I bought the minivan when I was living at a Gospel Mission for men in recovery from having been homeless. I had been homeless for 6 years prior to being accepted into the Gospel Mission. After living in the Gospel Mission for several months my application for SSDI was accepted. I received a lump sum payment and am receiving monthly payments since. With the lump sum payment I put most of it into buying the minivan. My mental health had improved since moving into the Gospel Mission and I still had improvement to do. I had the idea that I would live in my minivan. I planned to move out of the Gospel Mission and into my minivan. Before making the leap at the last moment I was offered the option to rent a room in an apartment in town. I was so very relieved. I accepted the offer and moved into the apartment.

    I’d already given away the middle seats of the minivan because I thought I’d need the space on the floorboard to sleep on. When I traded in the minivan at the dealership the sales team were surprised and curious about why it was missing one set of back seats. They didn’t make a fuss about it and still gave me a good price for the minivan.

    It’s a relief not owning the minivan. I’m not a father. Many people look at a minivan and say that’s for a soccer mom or a dad. The minivan was more automobile than I needed. Yes it was reliable and I was able to do all my errands with it and even drive 3.5 hours away to the coast twice. But comparing the minivan to the hatchback, the hatchback is a better fit for me.

    Financing $11,796 with the Kia Soul is a big responsibility. $229.98 monthly payments is a significant monthly expense. Full coverage auto insurance is costing me about $50 more per month. I’ve taken on more financial responsibility with the Kia Soul.

    I feel confident I can make the full monthly payments for the Kia Soul on schedule. The newer car gets better gas mileage! The newer car has a lot of life as they say in it. The newer car is easier to park. I’ll feel more comfortable going on road trips in the Kia Soul.

    Driving an automobile and a motorcycle is a big responsibility. I’m more confident driving on four wheels and that’s what I stick to. None the less, driving on the road is a big responsibility. Safety first.

  • Avoiding temptation. Focus on what’s good

    I’m at home sitting at my desk.

    Yesterday I went to a local park with a basketball court and brought my basketball. A mom was shooting hoops on the other side of the court with her two young children. I practiced by myself at one end shooting hoops and worked up a little sweat and got my heart pumping. A man was seated on a bench in the shade. One of the kids playing with his family on the court walked over to the man and they started talking. I think the man was probably the child’s dad.

    After a while of me making about 70% of the shots in the basket a young woman with her dog showed up near the court and sat down in the sunlight along the wall. She was beautiful. It was obvious to me that she was also homeless. She looked like she needed a new set of clothes and a shower and a good meal. I noticed that her breasts were hanging almost all the way out of her shirt. I continued shooting hoops and locked eyes with her several times.

    After a while she got up and walked with her dog to where she sat at a picnic table in the shade beside a homeless man.

    I was tempted to approach her and offer to buy her a meal. I didn’t. When I was done on the basketball court I set my basketball in my minivan, locked it and walked over to the calisthenics equipment in the park and exercised for a while. A woman and child were sitting on the grass talking. A man was sitting and reading in the shade under a large tree.

    My thoughts kept going back to the beautiful young homeless woman.

    When I was done exercising, I drove home. On the drive home I thought more about the beautiful young homeless woman and hoped she was able to find safety and the things she needed to get housing.

    I knew better. I knew from my own experience when I was homeless that although in one day a person can go from homeless to being housed it’s a process that takes a lot of time, days weeks and months of safe steady support in a stable healthy environment through the help of many people focused on helping a homeless person back into housing. That’s not my work.

    Sometimes I buy a homeless person a meal or hand a homeless person several dollars or my pocket change. I don’t trust that giving a homeless person I do not know more than a few dollars is a wise decision to make as a gift.

    I’m glad I didn’t approach the young beautiful homeless woman. I’m glad I didn’t speak to her. Looking her in the eyes was enough.

    Was she exposing her breasts to me on purpose or was she trying to be comfortable is not my business. I knew I could not help her and knew that approaching her would tempt me in ways that would not get her into permanent housing.

    Thinking more about the healthy strong families there in peace visiting the park while I exercised helped me to not lust after the beautiful young nearly topless homeless woman I could not help.

    I hope the homeless woman who was at the park makes it to where she is safe and supported and gets the help she needs to get into safe stable housing and a better future.

  • Dream dream dream, dreeeeam

    I have some recurring dreams. By some I mean hundreds of dreams of being at my father’s house. The last one felt so real it hurt. I was a young boy and that’s what hurt. It hurt because I’m a middle age man and the details in my dream were vivid.

    Childhood is more than a game with good friends and caring adults. For the reader who’s grown into their adulthood looking back at their childhood might bring a smile or a tear or a frown to their face. Honestly, the emotion brought back from delving into a childhood memory can be very specific. One memory might be all happy. And brings a smile to their lips when thought about. Honestly, while it is said time goes by in a blink, like childhood is there one moment and gone the next.

    What makes a child an adult? The question seems odd. It takes time to grow. The words “grow up” comes to my mind. I don’t remember being told to grow up. I’m an adult. It took 47 years of growing to get here.

    Childhood is one stage of life. Before childhood is infancy. I believe, I could be wrong and I believe after the infancy stage of life is the toddler stage of life. The word toddler brings to my mind a very young child learning to walk and run. Possibly taking his or her first steps. The words toddling along comes to my mind of a very young child going at their own pace learning to walk.

    In my minds eye, the stage of life from being a child to a young adult is around 5 years old to puberty around 12 or 13 years old. I remember in middle school being told by teachers us classmates were young adults.

    In my dream I would have been a young adult at home in my dad’s house in the awkwardness of puberty. I cried out, “Dad help” in my dream then woke up. My desk is next to a lamp next to my bed. I got up to type. My desk is also my office space. The light on the ceiling is off. I got up and turned the heater on and saw through the dark to my desk and chair.

    I just got up to smoke a cigarette. Outside at the door of the apartment I call home. I stood facing the street looking beyond where my minivan is parked on the parking lot, beyond the road, above the curb on the other side of the road on the neighbor’s lawn is a tree. The tree is tall and alive and directly in view across from the entrance to the apartment. It’s a quiet night, early in the wee hours of a new day. I put the cigarette out before finishing it then rinsed the smell of tobacco off my hands and gulped milk from the gallon container in the fridge. I live alone. There is no one else to take offense from me drinking directly from the milk container. In the dark I dogged wet spots on the carpet where my dog peed. Later in the morning would be a good time to shampoo the carpet in my room where the dog pees and poops sometimes when I’m away at work during the day.

    There was smoking when I was a young adult. My dad smoked. I started smoking regularly when I was going to middle school.

    Maybe I’m finally getting over the reoccurring dreams I have while I sleep of my dad’s house. I don’t want to be haunted by them.

  • Recently I’ve felt sad for ways I harmed people when I was a troubled youth. I would like to apologize to them and the truth is most of the people I harmed I did not know and never met. The people I called my friends then were experimenting with drugs. We smoked marijuana, we took LSD, we got drunk, we ate psylocibin mushrooms, we smoked cigarettes. We were often high on drugs or in-between getting high on drugs.

    We stole cars. We stole parked cars that we learned how to hotwire. We would drive them around town for a few days then abandon them somewhere completely different than where we stole them from. We stole a minivan one night and had a crazy idea to drive from where we were in Colorado to Canada. The group of us so called friends were fourteen, fifteen and sixteen year olds.

    We stole license plates from another car and attached them to the minivan in an effort to hide the fact that we were driving a stolen minivan. We drove north to Wyoming where we ran out of gas in the city of Casper. We had no money and left the minivan parked on the side of a road. We walked to a mall where our plan was we would sell fake LSD to kids and use the money on fuel. School was probably in session and we found no one to sell our fake LSD to. When we returned to the minivan Casper Police caught us.

    We were put in the Casper Jail in a separate area from adults where we stayed a night. I remember being alone  in an interrogation room waiting for an officer to ask me questions and looking at the brown wood covered walls and how the design of the walls looked horrifying. When the officer entered the room he asked me questions and I told him my version of what happened.

    One of the kids dad drove to Casper to pick him up. Me and the other kid were put on a greyhound bus back to Colorado where our parents picked us up the next day. I remember my dad picking me up where the bus dropped us off and seeing how angry he was with me. He drove me to the police station where I was processed and he left.

    From the police station I rode in a van with other youth who were in trouble to the Mountain View Detention Center where I stayed for one month. After it was all said and done I was ordered by the court to pay restitution to the owner of the stolen minivan. If I was not on probation before the incident I was definitely on probation at that point.

    Those were difficult times for me and for the people I harmed when I stole their property. In retrospect all these years later I look back and am grateful I got caught by the authorities when I did. I’m glad I was ordered to pay restitution to a fund for the victim and I’m glad I stayed a night in jail and stayed one month in the juvenal detention center and was put on probation.

    At that point in my life I needed correction by the authorities and beyond the ways my dad tried to put me on a safe and productive path.

    Sometimes I think about how horrible it would be to wake up and get ready to work or to bring your children to school or to go shopping and to find that your vehicle was stolen. I played a role in the theft of as much as five cars including the minivan with our group of so called friends and in those acts caused as many victims.

    I am grateful I moved far away from the community where I was living and got in a lot of trouble. I’m grateful I’m far away from each and every one of those bad influences. I’m grateful that I was able to start over in a community that is new to me. I’m grateful to be here at home safe and sound in my community and happy that I don’t know any people who do drugs and happy that I don’t know any people who sell drugs.

    I was homeless when I moved here from Colorado and was homeless in this community for four more years before I got into a recovery program and started taking medication I need for my mental health. When I was homeless I received very much help from volunteers who provided meals to the homeless and volunteers who opened up shelters to sleep in on very cold nights.

    Since getting into recovery, I’ve received help and support from very many professionals at work in social services. I have a home I lease in a safe neighborhood. The neighborhood feels safe to me. I volunteered with a local organization for nine months helping people in need in my community escape poverty. It feels good giving back.

    Often I think about my minivan I own. I think that it is parked in a safe location and locked and that it will be there where I parked it when I return to it. Thinking about my minivan locked and parked in a safe location is a comfortable feeling.

    I feel confident in thinking that my minivan is waiting for me to drive it when I am ready to drive. Whether I’m driving to work or to buy groceries or to do errands, the thought of my minivan I parked in my safe neighborhood and locked is a good thought. The thought is basic. I parked it at a specific spot and it should be there when I return to it.

    As a resident of the apartment building I lease and community I live in I feel valued as a neighbor who looks out for my neighbors. As the owner of the minivan, I am responsible for maintaining it and for keeping the plates registered and keeping the registration current and keeping it insured.

    This is about being responsible for my property. Making sure that my minivan is in good working condition is my responsibility as the owner and driver.

    I know that writing this does not make good on the victims of the cars I played a role in the theft of many years ago when I was a teenager. It’s ok. I have forgiven myself. I believe in karma. I don’t know what the future will bring. I like to think that my most difficult days are in my past. And I know that experiencing problems happens in life and life is worth living through the ups and downs. Life is precious. Every moment including this one.

  • I am my father’s son

    In a previous post at Interestornot I described in some detail about ways my father mistreated me when I was living with him as a young boy. I also wrote that I wish he would have made more time to play ball with me.

    My father said he is my best friend. A true friend will tell you words you don’t always want to hear. This is certainly true of my father. A true friend will not agree with you on everything. This is also true of my father. A true friend has your best interest in mind. While my father cared and looked out for me the ways he new how when I was a young child, sometimes in ways I vehemently despised I am grateful that he was in my life then and to this day.

    I’ve heard numerous stories of children disowning their parents when they became old enough to take care of themselves because of their parents bad behavior. While this is the healthiest option for people in those situations I’m grateful that never happened in my family.

    My father managed to keep a solid roof in a safe neighborhood over our heads and enough food in the kitchen while I was growing up all the way until I moved into my own home at 18. My father’s home was warm enough and dry inside on the coldest snowy nights outside. My father taught me how to shovel the snow and chip the ice off the sidewalks around the house early in the morning so men women and children could walk over them and to avoid paying a fine to the city where unobstructed sidewalks are the responsibility of the residents. In the hottest summers the cooling system kept the house from overheating throughout the years.

    My father taught me many skills from mowing the lawn to installing and maintaining the sprinkler system. He taught me how to paint interior walls and exterior siding. He taught me how to maintain the fence and apply wood primer over it to keep it solid and strong. He taught me basic carpentry and automotive maintenance skills. He taught me basic plumbing skills. He taught me how to turn the soil and to plant seeds, to water them and to harvest the fresh produce as it ripened in his garden.

    We had electricity wired into every room and plumbing that worked consistently throughout the kitchen and bathrooms throughout the years. The water pressure at home was strong with both hot and cold water and was clean and clear and ready to drink and to wash in consistently throughout the years built into the solid foundation and land where his house was built many years before may family moved in. We had a clothes washing machine and clothes drying machine in the house that consistently worked throughout the years. We had a telephone, line, and service that worked consistently in the house.

    The house has windows on every wall of the exterior that open up and look out into the lively residential neighborhood that is safe day and night one block away from the public Elementary school I attended. My father always had a reliable car.

    The community my father brought me up in is economically strong and stable and peaceful in the Democratic Republic of United States. Clean clear air filled the environment I grew up in. Environmental pollutants were not a problem in our community. The environment I grew up in is far away from hurricanes, tornadoes and tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanos year after year to this day.

    My father has worked for himself since before I was born. He is his own boss and owner of several businesses. Through his work he has taught me about leadership and independence. These are all blessings I thank him for.

    Growing up with economic strength and geographic stability is a reality for many of us US Citizens of America. I can thank goodness and thank God and thank the hard ongoing work of many generations of Americans who made this a reality for so many.

    Thanking goodness has many implications. It’s good to have a clothes washing machine and a clothes drying machine at home. And it’s good when there is a store in your community with clothes washing machines and clothes drying machines for their customers use.

    Every community is unique and has people with more financial wealth and people with less financial wealth and less material possessions. That’s life, that’s normal. We all can’t have the most and all of us can’t have the least. Increasing financial wealth is often the result of gaining a college degree and or a highly valued skill learned attending a trade school and through a lot of hard work.

    I was enrolled in college with a full schedule of courses and attended classes on the college campus for one year. I did not graduate. I did not earn a college degree. I did not attend a trade school where highly valued skills are taught and people put to work.

    I have many skills highly valued to me and are practical I use in life every day.

    I know that many Americans have to leave home and leave their apartment and travel with their bag filled with their soiled clothes on their feet and in their car and sometimes have to pay the fare to travel on the schedule of a city bus to a store only during business hours to wash and dry their clothes.

    And sometimes wait for the machines to be available and pay their hard earned money for each use of the clothes washing machines and clothes drying machines. Then travel with their bag of their clean and dry clothes back to their home to have clean clothes ready to wear.

    Many possessions I was brought up with and learned to take for granted took on new meanings and new practical matters when I moved out of my father’s home into a one bedroom studio apartment I rented where I lived on my own for the first time 29 years ago.

    That’s life and the experience of growing up and living on your own in your home away from the family you were born into. This is a human experience most Americans becoming adults realize at some time in their lives.

  • My mom turned 81 years old near the middle of August. On the same day she wrote me and my sisters about her down the road preparations for entering hospice. It was sad for me to read the message and not a big surprise. My mom has good health and lives almost independently in an elderly community with warm weather year round.

    A team of property managers lives in my mom’s community who help look after the residents. Sometimes my mom borrows her friends car to do local errands and for the most part rides an adult size electric trike that has a basket for holding the things she shops for when she’s out riding around.

    My mom cooks for herself and is healthy and strong. And my mom is not as strong as she once was. My mom moves slower than she used to. That’s aging and it is good to age. My mom has a sharp memory and quick wit and her ability to communicate is not what it used to be. That’s aging and it’s good to age. My mom lives in her own apartment in the elderly community and enjoys socializing with the men and women in her community.

    I hope my mom lives many more years in good health and strength. My mom has comforted people volunteering at hospices and talked about hospice for years. My mom asked that me and my sisters “pull the plug” when she gets to a point where she is in overwhelming pain or discomfort. She has made it clear to me and my sisters that she would rather have us “pull the plug” than to keep her living in a vegetative state.

    My mom is alive and well and just got home a few days ago from traveling on her own over the summer visiting family and friends in Oregon and Vermont.

    I wish I had more money to visit my mom more often. I live across the country from my mom and can take time off work and fly to visit her. It’s expensive to take time off work and to save money to travel across the country. Family is very important to me. I will always make time for my family to be there with them and to support them when they are in need.

    When I visited my mom last year we went to the beach. It was so much fun. The water was warm and we both went swimming in the ocean. It was a great visit and good to be there.

    My mom has told me and my sisters that when she passes away she wants to be cremated. The topic of death is serious and a topic I don’t often write about or talk about much. It’s good to write about the topic of death the more relevant it becomes.

    Life is good. Life is precious. Hug your loved ones and tell them you love them while they are here.

  • Timing

    Have you ever heard, “timing is everything” I’ve heard this statement time and time again from a young age growing up. In today’s world so much happens in 24 hours. On news reports that are aired to the public, the public receives the report instantly in the case of live news. Similarly making a live feed on TikTok or Facebook have a similar effect. This is the world humanity have adopted and growing into. Time’s have changed. Growing up cell phones did not exist. When there was news to share it was face to face in person. Time to tell a story and receive the story was at a human pace. Cellphones changed the way we communicate. To call someone we used to have to be home to place a call or at a payphone at a fixed location. Or at work. With cellphones the instant we want to share a story we can dial the number and press send from almost anywhere including in flight. And have live video chat instantly with the person answering on their cellphone. I am lucky. I’ve seen both. When a live news report on television was not as common as prerecorded news reports. When I had to be at home or at work to place a call. And those calls did not include live video. They were not in flight.

    This was normal for me and everyone else. When cellphones were made available on the market people gradually bought them and service for them. It took years and years and years before most people owned a cellphone.

    This is not the case today. Younger generations are growing up going to elementary school with their cellphones. It’s considered more safe to have a cellphone for many reasons.

    News travels as fast as the click of a send button. Dizzying is a way to describe how fast technology has developed. Dizzying for older generations. Younger generations are growing into the ability to communicate instantly. That is normal these days.

    It’s so tempting to place an instant call to a person you know to tell them about a news report you just watched. While that is your choice remember the phrase “timing is everything” There are opportune moments to tell someone a story and there are inopportune moments to share a story. Humans are sensitive. Humans are more sensitive than any technology. Humans are more receptive than any technology.

    It might make sense to call a family member to tell them about something that happened instead of waiting until your with them in person and able to tell them face to face. Some things can wait to be said when you’re in person, other things are important to say on a phone call right away.

    I live alone. My family live around United States and in foreign countries. Opportunities I have to speak to my family in person and face to face are limited in the many miles we live apart from each other. I know not to call my parents in the middle of the night waking them up. Similarly when I was living with my family I knew not to wake them up in the middle of the night to talk. Respecting others has to do with timing. Knowing when a good time to call family or a friend is important. Living many miles and states and borders away from my family make timing of my calls to family very important. Even during the day when I’m awake in Pacific time zone and family have already been awake for four hours on Eastern time zone we have to be sensitive and careful to make calls to each other when it’s sensible.

    If you think back to before the invention of the phone, people communicated mostly in person. Those days are before my time. We had one phone at home growing up. One person at a time could talk to someone else on it locally and long distance. Those days are our shared human history. Those stories are precious and remind us of when things went at a slower pace. Sharing news was done on horse back. That was the fastest method to get a message to someone else.

    Communicating is human nature. Humans are social beings. Communication is learned and speaking is powerful. Speaking to one-another and to groups is how society gets along and grows and learns from each other.

    I might not like or agree with a news report I watch during the day and how I respond and communicate about a story is important.

    The words I speak and who I choose to speak to has an effect.

    Many lessons can be learned from history, distant and recent. Saying the first words that come to mind are important living in society. Sometimes taking time to think about the words we use to share a story is sensible. Both are important and both are human nature.

  • Anger

    I have a lot of anger regarding my father. It’s a mixed relationship at best. I am angry about how he treated me when I was growing up and how he was absent and unavailable to talk to for so much of my youth. Sometimes I wake up late at night angry at him. It’s a mixed relationship because on the surface everything is appropriate. We are polite to each other and cordial. Deep down inside I have moments when my anger about him is all I can think about, it lasts for several minutes and then dissipates.

    I’m 47 and live across the country far away from him. This is good. It’s difficult to make progress with family when there is a long distance separating us. The last time I saw him was last summer. I traveled to visit him and my stepmom. They invited me to their home and as a guest in their guest room while I was in the area. The visit was polite and cordial. We didn’t talk about anything that would have angered us.

    My father becomes very defensive when his actions are questioned by me. A good thing about the physical distance between us is he’s not here.

    The older a person becomes the more set they become in their ways. It’s not a terrible relation. I don’t wish harm against him. I wish he would apologize to me about his negligence when I was a young boy.

    My stepsister seems to have a much better relation with him. She pointed out to me that our grandpa died when my father was around 18. My grandfather worked very hard supporting his family. According to my father, my grandpa seemed to spend much of his time working.

    I know my father admired my grandpa for his work ethic. My father has a large appetite for work. He has worked most days for as long as I’ve known him. Father is on the verge of retiring.

    I wish I made better choices in my youth. I wish I made better choices in my twenties and in my thirties. I wish my father would have respected my mother throughout their divorce and after. I wish my father would have kept his negative opinions and words about my mother out of his mouth when speaking to me. I wish he could have shown respect and been dignified to her. I wish he could have treated her with respect and dignity while I was a young boy and through my teenage years.

    I wish he did not introduce me to pornography magazines and on pornography on his computer. I wish he did not tell me about fucking a raise between his secretaries legs when she asked for a raise in salary. I wish I didn’t walk in on him having sex with the woman he hired as a live in nanny to look after me. I wish he didn’t tell me about when he had sex with a prostitute at a brothel not very far from our home. I wish he never pushed me to the ground and would not have kicked me when I was down.

    I wish he new better how to raise a young boy. I wish when I was a young boy and chose to move out of my mothers home to live with my father he could have made more time to play ball.