Interest or not

Tag: healing

  • I can’t and I can

    I can’t change the past. I can’t take back the troubles and emotional pain I caused others. I can’t go back in time and make it better.

    I’ve moved far and away from the negative influences that had a grip on me.

    I’ve started over in a new to me community with new to me people and experiences and places to go. The move here is probably the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

    I’m getting older and making new friends is not as basic as it was when I was a young boy and as a young adult. I’m no longer a young adult.

    At 48 most people I meet want many of the same things. Peace stability and comfort. People want these things at all ages and often younger people rely on their elders to make it happen.

    As a middle age man I have the opportunity to meet people as they are. Call a spade a spade. Seek out the people and places that make me feel at peace, safe, secure and confident. People who look out for my best interest are the individuals I strive to meet and know and look out for.

    Starting over in a community that is new to me includes hesitance from locals naturally. I don’t hide that I’m not from around here. And I tell people where I’m from.

    The lesson is to never forget where you’re from. Where you are from may not represent who you are, but it did. Learn from the past and don’t dwell in those thoughts. Call on your memories from the past as they are, of the past and not as they could have been. Both the good and the bad. That is how to meet people in the present as they are without a filter, without a bias, without a motive.

    Good luck to you

  • Pain

    I don’t often feel pain. I’m healthy and strong. I rarely have a headache. Many years ago I fractured my wrists in a bicycle accident. That was painful. A long time ago I skateboarded, this was before I got my first car. I skateboarded a lot and from time to time fell onto the hard cement or road. That was painful.

    I am accurate to say the greatest pains in my life are more about mental anguish, confusion and uncertainty. They are a different kind of pain. Unlike falling onto a hard surface that is physically painful, mental anguish is not painful.

    I’ve experienced severe mental anguish when I was homeless. Not knowing where I was going to sleep day after day after day was mental anguish. Not knowing how I was going to feed myself for years homeless was mental anguish. Not having clean clothes to wear and not being able to bathe often was mental anguish.

    I never got used to it. I knew I would overcome and get back into housing. I knew to not give up. I didn’t give up and through a series of extraordinary events I was given a chance to get back into housing and took it.

    I had a lot of rehabilitation to do. After living outside for six years, I needed a lot of mental health rehabilitation. I started taking medication for my mental health I take to this day. I’ve been housed for the last five years and eight months.

    It’s 1:15 AM. While I slept last night I had a feeling of pain in my sleep. It wasn’t physical pain. It was mental anguish. Part of my dream was of when I was a teenager living in my fathers home. It was a very stressful time.

    My environment growing up wasn’t healthy in many ways. In Elementary school I took special education classes. I never did excel to the top of my class in academics. I managed to get decent grades when I tried very hard to understand the topic being taught. After one year of College I did not re enroll. I wasn’t ready to choose a major field of study and did not have enough of a reason to continue studying for a higher education.

    My father paid for my college enrollment and books and for the classes I took. When I stopped going to college my father took back the car he had given to me.

    I went back to work full time and other than when I was homeless have worked since.