Interest or not

Tag: love

  • Thankful and grateful

    I’m thankful and grateful for the life I’m living. I woke up on my bed this morning safe and sound in my home. I live in Medford Oregon. I live in an apartment where I’m writing this post. The walls in my home are solid. The ceiling and roof are solid. I have air conditioning and a heater, plumbing and electricity and internet service.

    My home is furnished with my possession’s. The property management company regularly maintains the apartment buildings and responds quickly to maintenance issues and repairs them. I feel safe when I’m in my neighborhood day or night. I have a patio outside the front door where I have a lawn chair and often sit enjoying the outside environment.

    I have 5 large windows in my home, 4 of which I can open for fresh air behind screens that keep pests out. I have curtains on all the windows I keep closed for my privacy and open to let sunlight in and for views of my neighborhood. I am respected in my community and valued as a resident and an employee.

    This morning I brought my dog to a nearby park where I walked her on her leash. Then I drove us home and parked on the parking lot for the apartment buildings. There are stores and cafes and a grocery store all within walking distance from my home. There is a good hospital that is a beacon to the community two blocks from my home. There are hiking trails in the nearby mountains.

    I am living the life I dreamed of and yearned for five years ago. My life has changed in many ways during the last five years. I am 48 and have a long life to live. I can travel on vacations around United States and internationally. I can visit my family in Colorado and in Georgia and in Florida.

    I am strong and I am healthy. People at Church welcome me and are glad to see me. Yesterday I went out to eat at a restaurant where I was waited on and served a delicious meal made to order. Then I went grocery shopping.

    Everything I wrote about on this post are blessings I relish in. I just got back home several minutes ago. I was driving around town looking for something to do and stopped at a cafe where I purchased a cup of fresh brewed hot coffee. The women at work at the cafe were pleasant and gave me good service. The coffee I sipped on the drive home and it was delicious.

    There are good work opportunities in my community and I’ve been employed part time for nearly 4 years.

    Life is perfect for no one. There are challenges every human experiences. Challenges are a blessing, with challenges are opportunities to grow stronger and make healthy decisions.

    I am clean and I smell like juniper scented deodorant and cologne. My clothes are clean and in good condition and fit me well. I cut my hair yesterday and trimmed my beard this morning. I trimmed my finger nails. I brushed my teeth with a good tooth brush and toothpaste. I have strong eyesight. I can hear well the environment around me including the people I come in contact with and speak to. I speak for myself and I involve myself in healthy conversations with the people in my life.

    I am at home alone often and alone now. My dog is resting on the floor in my dining room. I am not alone when I’m in my community. I can invite people who I like as guests in to my home.

  • Mental Health

    It’s interesting to realize that because of psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists and mental health workers and chemists who created medicine for individuals with mental health issues from minor to severe I am healthy and strong.

    Because these men and women dedicated their education and their careers to helping people who struggle with their mental health I was able to receive the treatment I needed and support and the prescribed medication I need to live a happy and healthy life.

    While I don’t interact or come in contact with the men and women who make up these professions on a daily weekly or monthly basis or at all, some of them I meet with regularly like the therapist I schedule appointments with to talk to. She is a professional who listens to me and supports me and gives me advice when she sees fit.

    As a man living with my pet therapy dog I don’t take everywhere, to the dog park mostly it is good to speak with my therapist from time to time at our meetings where I tell her about my life and am listened to. I can ask for advice and she’s happy to give it to me. It is good that I can afford my medication. It is good that refills are sent to me in the mail regularly. Taking the prescribed dose every day helps me manage my responsibilities, keeps me on an even keel and at 48 enables me to live an independent productive life in the apartment I live in and lease.

    I have received direct support over the years from every professional I listed above. While I have not met a chemist I have met men and women working in a pharmacy who helped fill my prescription.

    I am not alone in my community. The professionals I mentioned work hard to help many people in our community and beyond. They went to College and graduated and got careers in their field of study. I don’t know them by name. I know my therapists name.

    In general if I come in contact with the professionals I mentioned it is by chance, at a grocery store, at Church, while doing errands. They don’t know me like they did when I was receiving their direct support but they might remember my name from when they worked with me.

    These professionals work with a lot of people to improve their mental health. People in my community are directly benefited from their work and indirectly benefited from their work. People in my community are in all stages of mental health, from good to needing hands on support safe and secure in a hospital behind locked doors where they are best cared for and have the best opportunities to recover.

    This is difficult for some people to accept that they need to be placed or put or to stay in a psychiatric hospital for the opportunity to recover. Often the patients in a psychiatric hospital are there because they are considered a threat to their own well being or a threat to other peoples well being. They need to stay in the psychiatric hospital until it’s determined that they are not going to hurt themselves or anyone else.

    This is a reality of living in society. Not everyone is safe to be around. Not everyone gets the help and support they need to recover and live a healthy happy life. There are many homeless people in my community for many reasons.

    Some people were born into families experiencing homelessness and grew up homeless. Other people became homeless later in life for many reasons.

    Some people lost their home because they lost their work and were not able to afford to pay for a home to live in.

    Many people live paycheck to paycheck and have very little savings. If something happens such as a car accident and they are injured and unable to make a full recovery and are unable to return to work sometimes they become homeless.

    Sometimes members of a persons family dies or their whole family dies and the people they needed most for support and care are gone. This can be devastating and without receiving the support and care they were used to they become homeless.

    A natural disaster can be devastating such as a fire or and earthquake that leaves peoples homes burnt to the ground or rubble and sometimes they are not able to recover and become homeless.

    Sometimes American Veterans of foreign wars are injured defending American interests and the Veterans who survive and who made it back to the United States are not always cared for enough and have become homeless.

    Sometimes people make poor decisions such as taking illegal drugs which seriously compromises their mental health and their physical health and their safety and the safety and well being of others and they become homeless.

    Sometimes people who have a good home and live a stable life have a mental health weakness and need support and prescribed medication to be able to manage all their responsibilities that enables them to maintain their home and stable life. Sometimes these people with a mental health weakness refuse to take prescribed medication and their mental health deteriorates. They no longer make healthy and wise decisions and could become homeless.

    I grew up in a home and had a home to live in until I was 30 years old. At 27 I was diagnosed as having bi-polar disease. At one point I refused to take medication prescribed to me and slowly but surely my mental health deteriorated. I could no longer hold down a job. I had no savings and the little money I had was soon spent. I could not afford to rent a home and at 30 became homeless. I was homeless for one year when I was put in a psychiatric hospital where I began to recover.

    When I recovered to a point where I was able to leave the psychiatric hospital on my own my family took me in where I continued to recover. One season later I was living in a home I shared with the landlord I rented a room from and went back to work full time at a liquor store in my home town.

    Having grown up in stable housing for 30 years mostly with family and then on my own where I turned 18 the memories of being homeless for one year were very difficult for me to accept. I wished the memories would disappear like a bad dream. Instead of learning what not to do from being homeless the sad fact that I had been homeless ate away at me.

    From 31-35 I remained housed and employed. I had a very difficult time accepting that I had been homeless. At one point I stopped taking the medication that was prescribed to me. During that time I also started using illegal drugs. The decisions I was making put me in danger physically, mentally and legally. I took risks that were not wise. My mental health was strained and I was working too much, overtime almost every week. I was addicted to illegal drugs, methamphetamine and cocaine and I drank alcohol regularly.

    I could no longer manage my responsibilities. My mental health broke down. I closed the business I had started and soon spent all my savings. Before long I could no longer afford to pay for the room in the house I leased and became homeless a second time at 35.

    From 35-37 I was homeless in my hometown of Boulder and in Denver Colorado. I refused to take the medication that would have helped me recover. I lost all my possessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack with supplies for living outdoors. My family helped me as they could and were unwilling to let me live with them because I was not taking the prescribed medication. My ability to communicate was limited. I hallucinated visions and sounds that were not real. I had a difficult time understanding people.

    At 37 I got in contact with my mom in Oregon. She invited me to move to Oregon to be closer to her. My mom did not let me move in with her and she did help me get some medical help for my feet that I desperately needed. My mom met me from time to time with gifts like a new backpack and a new sleeping bag and meals and water. I was nomadic, traveling every day rarely sleeping in the same place. I trusted few people and did not make friends with other homeless people. I was very stubborn and still refused to take the medication.

    At 41 I was still homeless living outside most nights and sometimes at a warming center for a night. I had become a public nuisance and often was placed in custody for disturbing the peace and stayed one two or three nights in Jail. One day the police took me into custody and put me in a psychiatric hospital where my recovery began. I started taking my prescribed medication every day. After three months in two separate psychiatric hospitals I recovered enough to leave.

    I still had a lot of recovering to do and Social Services paid for a motel room for one month for me to stay in. From living in a motel I moved to a Mission where I lived for 6 months. During this time I attended Church services every Sunday and studied the bible every day. I helped doing chores every day keeping the Mission clean and volunteered in the kitchen helping prepare meals for the residents and guests of the Mission.

    During this time my mom helped me apply for SSDI. Several months after my application to Social Security for SSDI I received an award letter. Social Security awarded me SSDI. Soon after I moved out of the Mission into a shared apartment with three other adults. I lived in the apartment for one year. During that time I went back to work part time. I also sought out a therapist I found at psychology.com who agreed to work with me. I’ve been meeting the same therapist regularly since.

    One year later I moved out of the shared apartment into my own apartment where I live. I have lived in this apartment for four and one half years. My apartment is in a safe neighborhood. I have a pet therapy dog. I take my prescribed medication every day since my recovery began over 5 years ago. I manage the money I receive as SSDI payments on my own and I manage the money I earn from my part time work. I have a car and am able to drive around town to do my errands and go to work. Recently I went on vacation with my dog and drove to where I went fishing for three days on Upper Rogue River.

    I’ve come a long way since experiencing homelessness. I am physically strong and my mental health has improved very much. I will need to take my prescription for the rest of my life and I agree to taking it. I wouldn’t want to be homeless for one day.

     From time to time I remember when I was homeless and am compassionate with the memory. I don’t avoid the memory of being homeless. Sometimes the memories of when I was homeless enters my thoughts during the day. Other times a memory of when I was homeless enters my thoughts when I’m in bed. They are not pleasant thoughts. In fact they are thoughts about survival and of what I’ve overcome. I don’t dwell on those thoughts. I sit with them or lay with them in bed then let them pass.

    Sometimes I see a homeless person in public and hope they make it safe to where they are able to recover. Seeing a homeless person sometimes reminds me of when I was homeless and I know that the person I’m looking at is a unique individual with their own past and present circumstances that have nothing to do with me other than visual proximity. Me having been homeless was not a character flaw, it happened to me because of an accumulation of poor choices and unwise actions.

    I would only be telling part of the story if I didn’t mention the many men and women and even young adult volunteers who fed me meals and opened up overnight shelters and warming centers where I received life sustaining support. Many people donated socks and shoes and all the clothes I wore when I was homeless.

    Since the first time I was placed in a psychiatric hospital I’ve returned to different psychiatric hospitals 8 times if my memory serves. I don’t have a clear memory of every time I was a patient in a psychiatric hospital. Some of those memories are vague and blurred together. My best guess is I’ve been a patient in a psychiatric hospital 8 times. I was always happy to leave every psychiatric hospital I was a patient in when I recovered enough and released. During those stays I was diagnosed as schizoaffective and then later as schizophrenic.

    The last time I was released from a psychiatric hospital was May 2021. I have been in recovery since. I’m grateful health care workers are on staff in psychiatric hospitals every day and every night of the year. Mental health professionals at work have a lot to do with why I’m alive and well. If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, please contact a psychiatrist or a therapist for help. Life is better with you.

     I hope my words will help people who want to understand some of the reasons people become homeless and will help people who are struggling with their mental health or with homelessness, giving them hope that they can recover and live a happy healthy law-abiding life in peace and in comfort.

  • I can’t and I can

    I can’t change the past. I can’t take back the troubles and emotional pain I caused others. I can’t go back in time and make it better.

    I’ve moved far and away from the negative influences that had a grip on me.

    I’ve started over in a new to me community with new to me people and experiences and places to go. The move here is probably the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

    I’m getting older and making new friends is not as basic as it was when I was a young boy and as a young adult. I’m no longer a young adult.

    At 48 most people I meet want many of the same things. Peace stability and comfort. People want these things at all ages and often younger people rely on their elders to make it happen.

    As a middle age man I have the opportunity to meet people as they are. Call a spade a spade. Seek out the people and places that make me feel at peace, safe, secure and confident. People who look out for my best interest are the individuals I strive to meet and know and look out for.

    Starting over in a community that is new to me includes hesitance from locals naturally. I don’t hide that I’m not from around here. And I tell people where I’m from.

    The lesson is to never forget where you’re from. Where you are from may not represent who you are, but it did. Learn from the past and don’t dwell in those thoughts. Call on your memories from the past as they are, of the past and not as they could have been. Both the good and the bad. That is how to meet people in the present as they are without a filter, without a bias, without a motive.

    Good luck to you

  • I wish

    I wish people of Earth are at peace. I wish for many things that are not tangible. Peace is a feeling. Being at peace is a state of mind. A peaceful mindset is calm. I wish people around Earth feel calm. I wish people around Earth know no-one will harm them. Confidence is a natural state of mind when there is no threat. Threats come in many forms. Threats can come from other people near and far.

    The other day my neighbor knocked on the door to my home and when I opened it she asked me to drive her to fer friends house for her to get her medication. Her ask was irritating to my peace of mind. I was getting ready to make a meal for myself when she knocked on the door to my home.

    I think my neighbor is using crystal meth amphetamine. She had blisters on her face and complained about being in pain. I think the medication at her friends house is not prescribed to her. It’s dangerous to take medication not prescribed to you. It’s also illegal.

    I told my neighbor no. That was it, she was upset and left. That’s ok with me. I’m not responsible for her.

    The same neighbor told me she’s not sober. She once told me she’s been using crystal meth amphetamine for most of her life. One week ago the same neighbor knocked on the door to my home and when I opened the door she started telling me a story and asked me if I remembered when her guests stole her possessions from her home. I said no. The only time I’ve been in her home was when she asked me to help connect her tablet to the internet. No one else was there. I don’t keep track of people coming and going to her home.

    She said she filed a police report and needed a ride to her friends house to get the police report. The story already sounded strange but I agreed and drove her to her friends house. On the way their she talked about how she’s in so much pain. In retrospect I think she went to her friends house for pain medication.

    I rarely give my neighbors rides anywhere. This is some of the drama that often surrounds the apartment buildings where I live. I live in a low income housing apartment. My guess is that every tenant in the apartment buildings receive some support from social services programs. I do. I am receiving SSDI from Social Security.

    I’ve lived in these apartment buildings for over 4 years. Many of the tenants in these apartment buildings seem to move away after one year. Some stay longer, some leave sooner. In the apartment buildings there is one tenant who has lived here longer than me.

    I feel safe in my neighborhood. I feel safe around my neighbors and it’s important that I keep a safe distance from them in general. Many of my neighbors have had or are addicts and have mental health problems.

    I was an addict for many years. I have mental health weaknesses I’m told will last the rest of my life and get worse over time. I’ve been sober for almost 11 years. I take prescribed medication every day that helps improve my mental health and minimizes mental health symptoms.

    I live alone in the apartment I lease. I have a pet therapy dog. My home is like a temple. I relax at home. I rest at home. After a long day at work I recuperate at home. I keep my home clean and enjoy being at home. Home is where the heart is. The hearth is at home.

    In news on my phone and computer and television very much of it is bad and unfortunate. It’s important for me to not consume too much bad news for my mental health and peace of mind.

    Life is good.

  • Pain

    I don’t often feel pain. I’m healthy and strong. I rarely have a headache. Many years ago I fractured my wrists in a bicycle accident. That was painful. A long time ago I skateboarded, this was before I got my first car. I skateboarded a lot and from time to time fell onto the hard cement or road. That was painful.

    I am accurate to say the greatest pains in my life are more about mental anguish, confusion and uncertainty. They are a different kind of pain. Unlike falling onto a hard surface that is physically painful, mental anguish is not painful.

    I’ve experienced severe mental anguish when I was homeless. Not knowing where I was going to sleep day after day after day was mental anguish. Not knowing how I was going to feed myself for years homeless was mental anguish. Not having clean clothes to wear and not being able to bathe often was mental anguish.

    I never got used to it. I knew I would overcome and get back into housing. I knew to not give up. I didn’t give up and through a series of extraordinary events I was given a chance to get back into housing and took it.

    I had a lot of rehabilitation to do. After living outside for six years, I needed a lot of mental health rehabilitation. I started taking medication for my mental health I take to this day. I’ve been housed for the last five years and eight months.

    It’s 1:15 AM. While I slept last night I had a feeling of pain in my sleep. It wasn’t physical pain. It was mental anguish. Part of my dream was of when I was a teenager living in my fathers home. It was a very stressful time.

    My environment growing up wasn’t healthy in many ways. In Elementary school I took special education classes. I never did excel to the top of my class in academics. I managed to get decent grades when I tried very hard to understand the topic being taught. After one year of College I did not re enroll. I wasn’t ready to choose a major field of study and did not have enough of a reason to continue studying for a higher education.

    My father paid for my college enrollment and books and for the classes I took. When I stopped going to college my father took back the car he had given to me.

    I went back to work full time and other than when I was homeless have worked since.

  • I gave up

    Late at night safe and sound alone in my bed in my room in my apartment I rent. The words “I give up” entered my thoughts. I am very fortunate that I am strong and healthy and live in a good home in a safe neighborhood in a thriving community.

    I got up and drank some apple juice from my fridge. I slept ok. Then later last night my pet dog woke me up and I brought her outside to piss. I went back to bed and slept better. I woke up early this morning around 6am.

    I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. I have a job. I have a car. I receive SSDI and my income from SSDI and my part time job enable me to pay my bills and save some money.

    My home is clean and warm and my kitchen is filled with fresh nutritious foods. The plumbing works well. The water is clean and clear and heats up hot with the press of the sink handle. My heater keeps my entire apartment warm when it’s cold outside and cool during hot summer days. The roof and walls are solid and no leaks enter my home.

    My windows open bringing in fresh air from outside. The electricity is powerful and stable and connected in every area of my home. The internet connection is solid and stable and fast. I have all the material things I need in my home where I live comfortably.

    When I need to go shopping in town I do just that and typically drive to the stores I shop in. My home is built on a solid foundation on solid ground hundreds of miles inland in Southern Oregon’s Rogue Valley in Medford.

    I keep the three plants in my home watered regularly and in good health. I meet with a therapist regularly who supports me and my goals and my wishes and ambition. I can afford my medication that keeps my mental health strong.

    My family live thousands of miles away and they are all well and safe, housed and fed, employed and retired and living in peace.

    I vote to elect the persons who I feel best represent myself and Americans. I am free to travel and move into a better home in my community or another community that I choose.

    I can earn as much money as possible and get off SSDI. I am single and becoming available. I will meet a woman and become in love with her and she will love me in return.

    I can exercise every day and lose 70 pounds. English is my first language and I have a good command of it.

    45 days ago I started a project to feed as many homeless and food insecure people as possible at the website nourishlink.org I created by helping donors connect with specified and verified food relief charities working on the ground feeding homeless and food insecure people.

    I am free to make plans with people who interest me and I care about.

    Last night was the first time I remember telling myself “I give up” Today is January 31st 2026. The time is 9:43am Pacific. It was ok to “give up” and it is good to be strong and safe and secure here at my desk, the Nourish Link Organization office in my room in my apartment.

    My apartment is affordable and I will move into a better apartment this year and maybe pay a bit more where there will be no rule stopping me from inviting guests overnight without permission from the property management company.

    I am 47 and will be 48 in February. I have so many good things to accomplish in this life of mine. I am a good man. I am a good neighbor. I am a valued resident of my community.

    I am no longer homeless. I no longer have a warrant out for me. I am a law abiding citizen of United States and resident of Medford Oregon. I have a safe, secure and clean environment I live in. When I am ready I can move to a safe and secure apartment or house in a safe neighborhood that serves me better.

    I am not bound by my lease on my apartment. When I’ve found a new to me apartment or house to move into I will give notice to the apartment manager of this property. I can move into a new to me place and make it my home in 30 days.

  • Merry Christmas

    This Christmas eve I went to bed alone. I woke up early and my pet dog Sage greeted me. It the two of us and we have the whole apartment to ourselves. Sometimes I miss being around family and friends during Christmas. I imagine young children waking up safe and sound warm and dry, clean and with enough good food to eat. With many gifts from their family and friends waiting for them to open around their decorated Christmas tree. My imagination brings me joy and hope and good will towards humanity.

    I know many men women and children are waking up today cold and wet in soiled clothes and hungry having slept outside. I hope and pray for peace and comfort for them today and in the New Year.

    I am very fortunate to have a safe and warm home with a heater and plumbing and electricity in a safe neighborhood. And I’m fortunate that my kitchen is stalked with fresh nutritious foods.

    I’m grateful that I have work. I am grateful for the many men and women who volunteered and donated money and food and their time to charities I benefited from that helped keep me alive when I was homeless.

    I am grateful to live in USA, the country I am from and grew up in. I am grateful for the many things Americans have in United States like a stable Government, police and firefighters, hospitals and Doctors and Military protecting us.

    I am grateful that USA is a powerful country and I hope American US citizens can use our power to help other countries with less means to care for and protect their people.

    Before I was homeless I worked full time for many years starting at age 15. I paid income taxes on my work accomplished and I’m grateful to be a recipient of Social Security Disability Insurance. I’m grateful I can afford to pay for my medication that helps my mental health. I’m grateful my insurance covers my meetings with a Therapist I elected to meet with regularly. I live very far away, half way across the country from my closest in distance family. I am no longer a young boy and making friends in my local community is not as basic as it was in my home town many years ago.

    I’m grateful for my co-workers I’m getting to know better. I’m grateful for a local organization I’ve volunteered with and for my friends I’ve made volunteering together.

    I’m grateful I have the opportunity to earn as much money as possible and if and when I earn enough money will no longer qualify to receive SSDI. This is my opportunity. I am physically strong and able bodied. My mental health is very important to me and taking medication to reduce negative symptoms of my mental health is working.

    I’m grateful I own a car and do all my shopping and buy groceries and run errands and drive to work and to visit places in town and further away.

    I am grateful for the people I meet almost every day in town when I go to buy a cup of hot coffee in a cafe and when I shop in stores.

    I have so many things to be grateful for. I’m grateful I was able to start over from owning only the clothes I wore on my back to leasing an apartment I’ve filled with my possessions I’ve bought and gathered such as a cluster of sea shells I picked up on a beach.

    I’m grateful my ability to develop websites I kept although on hold through the years homeless I am currently using to give back to the local community. To learn about my new project helping to feed homeless people and people experiencing food insecurity in this region visit the website at https://nourishlink.org

    I hope to build Nourish Link with the help of many people who have skills that I don’t posses and bring insight and strength to the project beyond what I alone have began. I hope Nourish Link helps to feed many thousands of people in need of food support.

    I hope you and your loved ones are safe and warm.

    JAG

  • Dream dream dream, dreeeeam

    I have some recurring dreams. By some I mean hundreds of dreams of being at my father’s house. The last one felt so real it hurt. I was a young boy and that’s what hurt. It hurt because I’m a middle age man and the details in my dream were vivid.

    Childhood is more than a game with good friends and caring adults. For the reader who’s grown into their adulthood looking back at their childhood might bring a smile or a tear or a frown to their face. Honestly, the emotion brought back from delving into a childhood memory can be very specific. One memory might be all happy. And brings a smile to their lips when thought about. Honestly, while it is said time goes by in a blink, like childhood is there one moment and gone the next.

    What makes a child an adult? The question seems odd. It takes time to grow. The words “grow up” comes to my mind. I don’t remember being told to grow up. I’m an adult. It took 47 years of growing to get here.

    Childhood is one stage of life. Before childhood is infancy. I believe, I could be wrong and I believe after the infancy stage of life is the toddler stage of life. The word toddler brings to my mind a very young child learning to walk and run. Possibly taking his or her first steps. The words toddling along comes to my mind of a very young child going at their own pace learning to walk.

    In my minds eye, the stage of life from being a child to a young adult is around 5 years old to puberty around 12 or 13 years old. I remember in middle school being told by teachers us classmates were young adults.

    In my dream I would have been a young adult at home in my dad’s house in the awkwardness of puberty. I cried out, “Dad help” in my dream then woke up. My desk is next to a lamp next to my bed. I got up to type. My desk is also my office space. The light on the ceiling is off. I got up and turned the heater on and saw through the dark to my desk and chair.

    I just got up to smoke a cigarette. Outside at the door of the apartment I call home. I stood facing the street looking beyond where my minivan is parked on the parking lot, beyond the road, above the curb on the other side of the road on the neighbor’s lawn is a tree. The tree is tall and alive and directly in view across from the entrance to the apartment. It’s a quiet night, early in the wee hours of a new day. I put the cigarette out before finishing it then rinsed the smell of tobacco off my hands and gulped milk from the gallon container in the fridge. I live alone. There is no one else to take offense from me drinking directly from the milk container. In the dark I dogged wet spots on the carpet where my dog peed. Later in the morning would be a good time to shampoo the carpet in my room where the dog pees and poops sometimes when I’m away at work during the day.

    There was smoking when I was a young adult. My dad smoked. I started smoking regularly when I was going to middle school.

    Maybe I’m finally getting over the reoccurring dreams I have while I sleep of my dad’s house. I don’t want to be haunted by them.

  • I am my father’s son

    In a previous post at Interestornot I described in some detail about ways my father mistreated me when I was living with him as a young boy. I also wrote that I wish he would have made more time to play ball with me.

    My father said he is my best friend. A true friend will tell you words you don’t always want to hear. This is certainly true of my father. A true friend will not agree with you on everything. This is also true of my father. A true friend has your best interest in mind. While my father cared and looked out for me the ways he new how when I was a young child, sometimes in ways I vehemently despised I am grateful that he was in my life then and to this day.

    I’ve heard numerous stories of children disowning their parents when they became old enough to take care of themselves because of their parents bad behavior. While this is the healthiest option for people in those situations I’m grateful that never happened in my family.

    My father managed to keep a solid roof in a safe neighborhood over our heads and enough food in the kitchen while I was growing up all the way until I moved into my own home at 18. My father’s home was warm enough and dry inside on the coldest snowy nights outside. My father taught me how to shovel the snow and chip the ice off the sidewalks around the house early in the morning so men women and children could walk over them and to avoid paying a fine to the city where unobstructed sidewalks are the responsibility of the residents. In the hottest summers the cooling system kept the house from overheating throughout the years.

    My father taught me many skills from mowing the lawn to installing and maintaining the sprinkler system. He taught me how to paint interior walls and exterior siding. He taught me how to maintain the fence and apply wood primer over it to keep it solid and strong. He taught me basic carpentry and automotive maintenance skills. He taught me basic plumbing skills. He taught me how to turn the soil and to plant seeds, to water them and to harvest the fresh produce as it ripened in his garden.

    We had electricity wired into every room and plumbing that worked consistently throughout the kitchen and bathrooms throughout the years. The water pressure at home was strong with both hot and cold water and was clean and clear and ready to drink and to wash in consistently throughout the years built into the solid foundation and land where his house was built many years before may family moved in. We had a clothes washing machine and clothes drying machine in the house that consistently worked throughout the years. We had a telephone, line, and service that worked consistently in the house.

    The house has windows on every wall of the exterior that open up and look out into the lively residential neighborhood that is safe day and night one block away from the public Elementary school I attended. My father always had a reliable car.

    The community my father brought me up in is economically strong and stable and peaceful in the Democratic Republic of United States. Clean clear air filled the environment I grew up in. Environmental pollutants were not a problem in our community. The environment I grew up in is far away from hurricanes, tornadoes and tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanos year after year to this day.

    My father has worked for himself since before I was born. He is his own boss and owner of several businesses. Through his work he has taught me about leadership and independence. These are all blessings I thank him for.

    Growing up with economic strength and geographic stability is a reality for many of us US Citizens of America. I can thank goodness and thank God and thank the hard ongoing work of many generations of Americans who made this a reality for so many.

    Thanking goodness has many implications. It’s good to have a clothes washing machine and a clothes drying machine at home. And it’s good when there is a store in your community with clothes washing machines and clothes drying machines for their customers use.

    Every community is unique and has people with more financial wealth and people with less financial wealth and less material possessions. That’s life, that’s normal. We all can’t have the most and all of us can’t have the least. Increasing financial wealth is often the result of gaining a college degree and or a highly valued skill learned attending a trade school and through a lot of hard work.

    I was enrolled in college with a full schedule of courses and attended classes on the college campus for one year. I did not graduate. I did not earn a college degree. I did not attend a trade school where highly valued skills are taught and people put to work.

    I have many skills highly valued to me and are practical I use in life every day.

    I know that many Americans have to leave home and leave their apartment and travel with their bag filled with their soiled clothes on their feet and in their car and sometimes have to pay the fare to travel on the schedule of a city bus to a store only during business hours to wash and dry their clothes.

    And sometimes wait for the machines to be available and pay their hard earned money for each use of the clothes washing machines and clothes drying machines. Then travel with their bag of their clean and dry clothes back to their home to have clean clothes ready to wear.

    Many possessions I was brought up with and learned to take for granted took on new meanings and new practical matters when I moved out of my father’s home into a one bedroom studio apartment I rented where I lived on my own for the first time 29 years ago.

    That’s life and the experience of growing up and living on your own in your home away from the family you were born into. This is a human experience most Americans becoming adults realize at some time in their lives.

  • My mom turned 81 years old near the middle of August. On the same day she wrote me and my sisters about her down the road preparations for entering hospice. It was sad for me to read the message and not a big surprise. My mom has good health and lives almost independently in an elderly community with warm weather year round.

    A team of property managers lives in my mom’s community who help look after the residents. Sometimes my mom borrows her friends car to do local errands and for the most part rides an adult size electric trike that has a basket for holding the things she shops for when she’s out riding around.

    My mom cooks for herself and is healthy and strong. And my mom is not as strong as she once was. My mom moves slower than she used to. That’s aging and it is good to age. My mom has a sharp memory and quick wit and her ability to communicate is not what it used to be. That’s aging and it’s good to age. My mom lives in her own apartment in the elderly community and enjoys socializing with the men and women in her community.

    I hope my mom lives many more years in good health and strength. My mom has comforted people volunteering at hospices and talked about hospice for years. My mom asked that me and my sisters “pull the plug” when she gets to a point where she is in overwhelming pain or discomfort. She has made it clear to me and my sisters that she would rather have us “pull the plug” than to keep her living in a vegetative state.

    My mom is alive and well and just got home a few days ago from traveling on her own over the summer visiting family and friends in Oregon and Vermont.

    I wish I had more money to visit my mom more often. I live across the country from my mom and can take time off work and fly to visit her. It’s expensive to take time off work and to save money to travel across the country. Family is very important to me. I will always make time for my family to be there with them and to support them when they are in need.

    When I visited my mom last year we went to the beach. It was so much fun. The water was warm and we both went swimming in the ocean. It was a great visit and good to be there.

    My mom has told me and my sisters that when she passes away she wants to be cremated. The topic of death is serious and a topic I don’t often write about or talk about much. It’s good to write about the topic of death the more relevant it becomes.

    Life is good. Life is precious. Hug your loved ones and tell them you love them while they are here.