Interest or not

Tag: life

  • Thankful and grateful

    I’m thankful and grateful for the life I’m living. I woke up on my bed this morning safe and sound in my home. I live in Medford Oregon. I live in an apartment where I’m writing this post. The walls in my home are solid. The ceiling and roof are solid. I have air conditioning and a heater, plumbing and electricity and internet service.

    My home is furnished with my possession’s. The property management company regularly maintains the apartment buildings and responds quickly to maintenance issues and repairs them. I feel safe when I’m in my neighborhood day or night. I have a patio outside the front door where I have a lawn chair and often sit enjoying the outside environment.

    I have 5 large windows in my home, 4 of which I can open for fresh air behind screens that keep pests out. I have curtains on all the windows I keep closed for my privacy and open to let sunlight in and for views of my neighborhood. I am respected in my community and valued as a resident and an employee.

    This morning I brought my dog to a nearby park where I walked her on her leash. Then I drove us home and parked on the parking lot for the apartment buildings. There are stores and cafes and a grocery store all within walking distance from my home. There is a good hospital that is a beacon to the community two blocks from my home. There are hiking trails in the nearby mountains.

    I am living the life I dreamed of and yearned for five years ago. My life has changed in many ways during the last five years. I am 48 and have a long life to live. I can travel on vacations around United States and internationally. I can visit my family in Colorado and in Georgia and in Florida.

    I am strong and I am healthy. People at Church welcome me and are glad to see me. Yesterday I went out to eat at a restaurant where I was waited on and served a delicious meal made to order. Then I went grocery shopping.

    Everything I wrote about on this post are blessings I relish in. I just got back home several minutes ago. I was driving around town looking for something to do and stopped at a cafe where I purchased a cup of fresh brewed hot coffee. The women at work at the cafe were pleasant and gave me good service. The coffee I sipped on the drive home and it was delicious.

    There are good work opportunities in my community and I’ve been employed part time for nearly 4 years.

    Life is perfect for no one. There are challenges every human experiences. Challenges are a blessing, with challenges are opportunities to grow stronger and make healthy decisions.

    I am clean and I smell like juniper scented deodorant and cologne. My clothes are clean and in good condition and fit me well. I cut my hair yesterday and trimmed my beard this morning. I trimmed my finger nails. I brushed my teeth with a good tooth brush and toothpaste. I have strong eyesight. I can hear well the environment around me including the people I come in contact with and speak to. I speak for myself and I involve myself in healthy conversations with the people in my life.

    I am at home alone often and alone now. My dog is resting on the floor in my dining room. I am not alone when I’m in my community. I can invite people who I like as guests in to my home.

  • Mental Health

    It’s interesting to realize that because of psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists and mental health workers and chemists who created medicine for individuals with mental health issues from minor to severe I am healthy and strong.

    Because these men and women dedicated their education and their careers to helping people who struggle with their mental health I was able to receive the treatment I needed and support and the prescribed medication I need to live a happy and healthy life.

    While I don’t interact or come in contact with the men and women who make up these professions on a daily weekly or monthly basis or at all, some of them I meet with regularly like the therapist I schedule appointments with to talk to. She is a professional who listens to me and supports me and gives me advice when she sees fit.

    As a man living with my pet therapy dog I don’t take everywhere, to the dog park mostly it is good to speak with my therapist from time to time at our meetings where I tell her about my life and am listened to. I can ask for advice and she’s happy to give it to me. It is good that I can afford my medication. It is good that refills are sent to me in the mail regularly. Taking the prescribed dose every day helps me manage my responsibilities, keeps me on an even keel and at 48 enables me to live an independent productive life in the apartment I live in and lease.

    I have received direct support over the years from every professional I listed above. While I have not met a chemist I have met men and women working in a pharmacy who helped fill my prescription.

    I am not alone in my community. The professionals I mentioned work hard to help many people in our community and beyond. They went to College and graduated and got careers in their field of study. I don’t know them by name. I know my therapists name.

    In general if I come in contact with the professionals I mentioned it is by chance, at a grocery store, at Church, while doing errands. They don’t know me like they did when I was receiving their direct support but they might remember my name from when they worked with me.

    These professionals work with a lot of people to improve their mental health. People in my community are directly benefited from their work and indirectly benefited from their work. People in my community are in all stages of mental health, from good to needing hands on support safe and secure in a hospital behind locked doors where they are best cared for and have the best opportunities to recover.

    This is difficult for some people to accept that they need to be placed or put or to stay in a psychiatric hospital for the opportunity to recover. Often the patients in a psychiatric hospital are there because they are considered a threat to their own well being or a threat to other peoples well being. They need to stay in the psychiatric hospital until it’s determined that they are not going to hurt themselves or anyone else.

    This is a reality of living in society. Not everyone is safe to be around. Not everyone gets the help and support they need to recover and live a healthy happy life. There are many homeless people in my community for many reasons.

    Some people were born into families experiencing homelessness and grew up homeless. Other people became homeless later in life for many reasons.

    Some people lost their home because they lost their work and were not able to afford to pay for a home to live in.

    Many people live paycheck to paycheck and have very little savings. If something happens such as a car accident and they are injured and unable to make a full recovery and are unable to return to work sometimes they become homeless.

    Sometimes members of a persons family dies or their whole family dies and the people they needed most for support and care are gone. This can be devastating and without receiving the support and care they were used to they become homeless.

    A natural disaster can be devastating such as a fire or and earthquake that leaves peoples homes burnt to the ground or rubble and sometimes they are not able to recover and become homeless.

    Sometimes American Veterans of foreign wars are injured defending American interests and the Veterans who survive and who made it back to the United States are not always cared for enough and have become homeless.

    Sometimes people make poor decisions such as taking illegal drugs which seriously compromises their mental health and their physical health and their safety and the safety and well being of others and they become homeless.

    Sometimes people who have a good home and live a stable life have a mental health weakness and need support and prescribed medication to be able to manage all their responsibilities that enables them to maintain their home and stable life. Sometimes these people with a mental health weakness refuse to take prescribed medication and their mental health deteriorates. They no longer make healthy and wise decisions and could become homeless.

    I grew up in a home and had a home to live in until I was 30 years old. At 27 I was diagnosed as having bi-polar disease. At one point I refused to take medication prescribed to me and slowly but surely my mental health deteriorated. I could no longer hold down a job. I had no savings and the little money I had was soon spent. I could not afford to rent a home and at 30 became homeless. I was homeless for one year when I was put in a psychiatric hospital where I began to recover.

    When I recovered to a point where I was able to leave the psychiatric hospital on my own my family took me in where I continued to recover. One season later I was living in a home I shared with the landlord I rented a room from and went back to work full time at a liquor store in my home town.

    Having grown up in stable housing for 30 years mostly with family and then on my own where I turned 18 the memories of being homeless for one year were very difficult for me to accept. I wished the memories would disappear like a bad dream. Instead of learning what not to do from being homeless the sad fact that I had been homeless ate away at me.

    From 31-35 I remained housed and employed. I had a very difficult time accepting that I had been homeless. At one point I stopped taking the medication that was prescribed to me. During that time I also started using illegal drugs. The decisions I was making put me in danger physically, mentally and legally. I took risks that were not wise. My mental health was strained and I was working too much, overtime almost every week. I was addicted to illegal drugs, methamphetamine and cocaine and I drank alcohol regularly.

    I could no longer manage my responsibilities. My mental health broke down. I closed the business I had started and soon spent all my savings. Before long I could no longer afford to pay for the room in the house I leased and became homeless a second time at 35.

    From 35-37 I was homeless in my hometown of Boulder and in Denver Colorado. I refused to take the medication that would have helped me recover. I lost all my possessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack with supplies for living outdoors. My family helped me as they could and were unwilling to let me live with them because I was not taking the prescribed medication. My ability to communicate was limited. I hallucinated visions and sounds that were not real. I had a difficult time understanding people.

    At 37 I got in contact with my mom in Oregon. She invited me to move to Oregon to be closer to her. My mom did not let me move in with her and she did help me get some medical help for my feet that I desperately needed. My mom met me from time to time with gifts like a new backpack and a new sleeping bag and meals and water. I was nomadic, traveling every day rarely sleeping in the same place. I trusted few people and did not make friends with other homeless people. I was very stubborn and still refused to take the medication.

    At 41 I was still homeless living outside most nights and sometimes at a warming center for a night. I had become a public nuisance and often was placed in custody for disturbing the peace and stayed one two or three nights in Jail. One day the police took me into custody and put me in a psychiatric hospital where my recovery began. I started taking my prescribed medication every day. After three months in two separate psychiatric hospitals I recovered enough to leave.

    I still had a lot of recovering to do and Social Services paid for a motel room for one month for me to stay in. From living in a motel I moved to a Mission where I lived for 6 months. During this time I attended Church services every Sunday and studied the bible every day. I helped doing chores every day keeping the Mission clean and volunteered in the kitchen helping prepare meals for the residents and guests of the Mission.

    During this time my mom helped me apply for SSDI. Several months after my application to Social Security for SSDI I received an award letter. Social Security awarded me SSDI. Soon after I moved out of the Mission into a shared apartment with three other adults. I lived in the apartment for one year. During that time I went back to work part time. I also sought out a therapist I found at psychology.com who agreed to work with me. I’ve been meeting the same therapist regularly since.

    One year later I moved out of the shared apartment into my own apartment where I live. I have lived in this apartment for four and one half years. My apartment is in a safe neighborhood. I have a pet therapy dog. I take my prescribed medication every day since my recovery began over 5 years ago. I manage the money I receive as SSDI payments on my own and I manage the money I earn from my part time work. I have a car and am able to drive around town to do my errands and go to work. Recently I went on vacation with my dog and drove to where I went fishing for three days on Upper Rogue River.

    I’ve come a long way since experiencing homelessness. I am physically strong and my mental health has improved very much. I will need to take my prescription for the rest of my life and I agree to taking it. I wouldn’t want to be homeless for one day.

     From time to time I remember when I was homeless and am compassionate with the memory. I don’t avoid the memory of being homeless. Sometimes the memories of when I was homeless enters my thoughts during the day. Other times a memory of when I was homeless enters my thoughts when I’m in bed. They are not pleasant thoughts. In fact they are thoughts about survival and of what I’ve overcome. I don’t dwell on those thoughts. I sit with them or lay with them in bed then let them pass.

    Sometimes I see a homeless person in public and hope they make it safe to where they are able to recover. Seeing a homeless person sometimes reminds me of when I was homeless and I know that the person I’m looking at is a unique individual with their own past and present circumstances that have nothing to do with me other than visual proximity. Me having been homeless was not a character flaw, it happened to me because of an accumulation of poor choices and unwise actions.

    I would only be telling part of the story if I didn’t mention the many men and women and even young adult volunteers who fed me meals and opened up overnight shelters and warming centers where I received life sustaining support. Many people donated socks and shoes and all the clothes I wore when I was homeless.

    Since the first time I was placed in a psychiatric hospital I’ve returned to different psychiatric hospitals 8 times if my memory serves. I don’t have a clear memory of every time I was a patient in a psychiatric hospital. Some of those memories are vague and blurred together. My best guess is I’ve been a patient in a psychiatric hospital 8 times. I was always happy to leave every psychiatric hospital I was a patient in when I recovered enough and released. During those stays I was diagnosed as schizoaffective and then later as schizophrenic.

    The last time I was released from a psychiatric hospital was May 2021. I have been in recovery since. I’m grateful health care workers are on staff in psychiatric hospitals every day and every night of the year. Mental health professionals at work have a lot to do with why I’m alive and well. If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, please contact a psychiatrist or a therapist for help. Life is better with you.

     I hope my words will help people who want to understand some of the reasons people become homeless and will help people who are struggling with their mental health or with homelessness, giving them hope that they can recover and live a happy healthy law-abiding life in peace and in comfort.

  • Health Care & abiding by the Law

    I have so much to be grateful for. Grateful and thankful. After being homeless for 6 years then through police intervention I was put in the environment where recovery was possible. At the time I didn’t like being locked in the psychiatric hospital and that is where I needed to be. While in the psychiatric hospital I began recovering. My health improved and I was transported to a different psychiatric care treatment center where I continued to recover. At the second psychiatric care treatment center I was told that I can leave when ever I want. It didn’t make sense to me at the time. I still had a lot of recovering to do. During the day I participated in group therapy sessions, ate three hot meals a day, exercised, got fresh air outside, read books, watched TV and was able to keep to myself when I didn’t want to be around other people. I stayed inside the treatment center and went outside only on the treatment center property.

    A representative with Social Services contacted me while I was recovering at the treatment center. I was told that I got to choose where I would go when I was scheduled to leave.

    There were two options available for me. At the time I had no posessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack with supplies in it for living outdoors. I had no money and no savings then.

    The treatment center was located in Grants Pass Oregon. I knew nothing about Grants Pass and knew no one in Grants Pass other than the other patients I met while I was in the treatment center and the members of the staff.

    I had never visited Grants Pass before being placed in the treatment center and for this reason I did not know my way around the community.

    There is a foster care Mission for adult men in Grants Pass that gave me an invitation to live at their Mission. The Social Services representative scheduled a time when I could take a tour of the Mission and met me at the treatment center then drove me to the Mission and went on the tour with me.

    I didn’t want to live in the Mission and told the Social Services representative. The representative with Social Services had one more option for me.

    There was a foster care Mission for Adult men and women in Medford that gave me an invitation to live at their Mission. The Social Services representative scheduled a time when I could take a tour of the Mission in Medford and met me at the treatment center then drove me to the Mission in Medford and took the tour with me.

    I liked the Mission in Medford and could see myself living there. I had more recovery to do. I was told that I could move to the Mission in Medford but first I had to have the warrant for me dropped. I needed to go to the Jail in Medford and have my fingerprints taken before they could drop the warrant.

    Soon enough the day came when I would be released from the treatment center. The Social Services representative met me at the treatment center and before I was released a member of the Staff gave me a care bag with things I would need that included a supply of my prescribed medication and toiletries and snacks.

    The Social Services representative drove me to a motel in Medford and paid for a room for me for one month. The next day the Social Services representative met me at the motel and drove me to a pantry that donated food to me. Then the Social Services representative drove me to a Good Will Store where he helped me buy some cooking equipment to use with the microwave in the motel room. The motel room had a minifridge where I kept the perishable food.

    I had a food benefit card and a library card and during the day I bought a few snacks at a Store near the motel and walked to the Public Library where I looked at books and found one I liked and checked out.

    I had been in a psychiatric hospital and then in a psychiatric treatment center for three months and not used to making my own schedule and having a place to stay and being able to stay and leave when I choose. My prescribed medication was helping me a lot and I still had recovery to do. I was not used to having my own room and kitchenette and bathroom all to myself.

    I was not used to feeling safe and secure and having privacy at the same time while inside.

    These days I rent an apartment in Medford Oregon. I went back to work part time. I have a pet therapy dog and I schedule appointments with a therapist when I want to. I live in a safe residential neighborhood several blocks away from a hospital and shopping centers. I have a car and I buy groceries and do all the errands I need to on my own.

    I’ve gone on several vacations since getting back into housing. I flew to Colorado and then to Florida where I rented a car and drove to my families home to visit. The beach was wonderful. Then I flew back to Colorado and rode a bus to the community where my family lives and they picked me up at the bus station. I stayed with family in Colorado and enjoyed being in my home town knowing I had a good home to go back to in Oregon. I flew back to Oregon and picked up my car at the airport parking lot in Medford, paid for parking and drove home. Then I picked up my dog from the woman I hired to pet sit while I was away and brought my dog home.

    I remember during my month stay at the motel in Medford several days after I checked in I was visiting the Public Library and logged in at a Public Computer where I did a search online for where in Medford I could go to pick up more medication in my prescription.

    I walked to the Jail and got my fingerprints taken. The rest of the time during that month I stayed in the motel room a whole lot. It was June 2021 and the hottest recorded day in Medford in late June. The warrant was dropped.

    It was July 3rd and I was ready to leave the motel the next morning. I checked out at the front desk and my mom met me at the motel and drove me to the Mission. The Mission office was closed July 4th and I had already checked out of the motel. My mom drove me to a different motel and paid for a room for me where I stayed the night.

    The next morning I checked out of the motel and walked to the Mission. It had been 4 months since I walked that far and my backpack was filled with my things. I remember the backpack feeling very heavy under the hot July sun rays.

    At the Mission office a member of the Staff met me and began my orientation meeting where I agreed to treat everyone with respect and respect the property and participate in the daily bible study courses and go to church services every Sunday, and do chores every day to help keep the Mission clean. I agreed to all the rules that included I would stay celibate and not seek employment and not work and that I would check out at the desk before leaving the property and indicate when I would return before leaving and that I would be back on the property every night by 8pm and that I would stay on the property in the men’s dorm room on the bed every night while I was a resident of the Mission.

    I just got back home a few minutes ago. I have the day off work. I drove across town to a restaurant that makes delicious made to order sandwiches. I ate a lettuce turkey cranberry jelly croissant with a pickle spear on the side and salt and vinegar potato chips at a table. The restaurant was busy and the meal was spot on.

    I continued recovering at the Mission. I volunteered in the kitchen and helped prepare meals for the residents and the staff. The dining area welcomes the Medford community to eat a free dinner at the Mission every night of the week. I stayed at the Mission for almost 6 months. While I was in adult foster care my mom helped me apply for SSDI. While waiting for an answer from Social Security I continued to volunteer in the kitchen and participated in bible study every day and went to church services every Sunday. Sometimes I would leave for the afternoon and my mom would pick me up outside the Mission and we’d eat lunch at a restaurant. I enjoyed visiting the Public Library during the day.

    One day I received a response to my application with Social Security for SSDI. I was awarded SSDI. Before I was homeless I worked as an employee for many years since I was 15. Because I paid taxes on my income since I started working and because a Psychiatrist diagnosed me as having schizophrenia I was awarded money from SSDI. My award from SSDI enabled me to buy a car. I started receiving monthly payments from SSDI. I had enough money to move out of the Mission, out of adult foster care and out on my own.

    Very many men women volunteers and health care workers made the life I live possible. People I did not know donated food, water, medicine, and shelter. People volunteered their time working hands on with homeless people I was one of. People with financial wealth donated money to charities I benefited from.

    I have many blessings. Life is good.

    After the warrant was dropped a court date was scheduled for me to be present at. An attorney was assigned to my case free of charge because I could not afford to hire an attorney. There was a back log of cases ahead of me and my court date kept being postponed. During this time I met with the Attorney who was defending me several times in his office to prepare his defense.

    The day finally came when I was scheduled to be present in court and the Judge had time to hear my case. In court I had an opportunity to apologize to everyone present for the crime I was accused of and I apologized. The Judge told me what I could not do in the future and that I was being placed on bench probation.

    I was ordered to meet with a psychiatrist regularly and a therapist regularly for as long as they required. I was told that I needed to take my prescribed medication for the rest of my life. I agreed with everything the Judge ordered and told me to do. I have been taking my prescribed medication every day since my rehabilitation began. I went to every scheduled meeting with the psychiatrist and the therapist for as long as they wanted me to.

    I’m not from here. I’m from Colorado, half way across the country from Oregon. I was homeless for two years when I arrived in Oregon and remained homeless in Oregon for four more years before police intervened and put me in the psychiatric hospital environment where I began to recover.

    Since I moved to Oregon to be closer to my family who were living in Oregon and the North West while I was homeless, they all moved away to the Eastern Coast of United States. I have a large family and they all live very far away from Southern Oregon.

    I met few people while I was homeless and did not make friends with other homeless people. I knew no one in the North West other than my family before I arrived in Oregon.

    Being in a new to me community is a blessing because where I’m from in Colorado the people I called friends where all bad influences on me. They were either selling illegal drugs or doing illegal drugs or both and I was an addict. My addiction to illegal drugs was a major reason that led me to homelessnes.

    In Oregon I don’t know anyone outside of work and Church and where I’ve volunteered. I knew a woman I dated for two years since getting back into housing. I haven’t seen her in over a year and that is fine by me. It wasn’t meant to be.

    I completed bench probation and after four years of good behavior my legal record is expunged.

    My background check comes back clean and clear. An Employer can hire me and I can compete in the work force with the best of them.

    It’s good to be me. It’s good to play by the rules. Life is good

  • Graduate

    The word graduate usually refers to an individual who is about to graduate or has graduated with the learned skills and credentials that prepared them for a higher education or qualifies them to be considered seriously when applying to work at a specific career path.

    A graduation is typically a joyous event where individual graduates are presented one at a time on a stage in front of an audience a degree in a course of study they learned during the time they attended the school or attended the college or university.

    Often the first time a person graduates is at a special event acknowledging seniors who have graduated from their High School.

    I never graduated High School. 10th grade was the last grade I completed in High School before I studied for a G.E.D., took the G.E.D. test, passed and received my G.E.D. certificate signed with the stamp of President Bill Clinton.

    I didn’t graduate College either. I attended one year of College on the campuses of Front Range Community College where I took a full course of prerequisites and earned credits that would have gone to an Associates Degree if I had completed a two year degree.

    On this blog I’ve used the word “graduated” in the context of passing the requirements to leave on my own volition and live as a free man in society outside of and away from being locked up as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital were my rehabilitation started.

    The truth is not everyone passes the requirements to do what I’ve done. A percentage of the individual patients placed in a psychiatric hospital don’t leave. Some of the individuals in a rehabilitation environment don’t do what is expected of the patient to be able to leave ever.

    If you can imagine living in a psychiatric hospital for the rest of your life where you are kept healthy enough to live, usually locked inside and under constant supervision is the reality of a percentage of patient residents.

    While the day that I “graduated” from being a patient confined in the psychiatric hospital to leaving as a free man meant a lot to me there was no crowd of people cheering me on and wishing me the best as is often the situation at High School and higher education graduations.

    The “graduation” moment wasn’t as straight forward as exiting the building on my own. I was given a care bag filled with useful items from a member of the staff in the psychiatric hospital and had support from a professional working in Social Services I was introduced to while a resident in the facility and with me when I left helping me adapt to living in society.

  • Couldn’t sleep

    I was asleep but felt stressed so here I am writing at 11pm on my blog.

    I live in low income housing. Everyone who has a unit in the apartment complex where I do struggles to some extent with their mental health (me included). That’s how the property and property management designed the complex and picked us tenants.

    Police being called to the apartments is not uncommon. Earlier today an ambulance was called to the apartments. I genuinely care about my neighbors, even the ones I don’t speak to anymore. I wish them health and peace and that they are able to stay sober.

    I saw which apartment the ambulance pulled up to and from prior ambulance visits I guessed who the paramedic’s were checking on. I didn’t stop cooking or go out and ask anyone anything. The scene is common where I live and confirming who the paramedic’s were helping didn’t make sense.

    Later in the afternoon a drunk man I recognize was visiting a tenant at the apartment when he got angry, mad, belligerent and took someone’s walker and destroyed it kicking it down the street. Several hours later he came back still drunk and mad and started to destroy a patio chair outside one apartment, yelling nonsense the whole time.

    I called 911 as he walked away and reported the incident. I got a call from a Police Officer soon after. They had the man in custody and asked if anyone wanted to be the “victim” in order to press charges. Now I was involved. The property that was damaged wasn’t mine. I knocked on the neighbors door and said I had the Police on the phone and asked if anyone wanted to press charges. It turns out that the walker that was damaged was not the good walker and no one wanted to press charges.

    I went to the other apartment and looked at the patio chair that the culprit tried to damage and after looking close, the chair had taken a beating without any damage that I could see.

    I told the Police Officer no-one wanted to press charges and that he disturbed the peace and was drunk. The Officer confirmed my name and I thanked him. That was it. It is illegal to be drunk in public and a disorderly, nuisance. I don’t know what happened to the culprit, hopefully he doesn’t come back.

    That’s not why I woke up. The incident regarding the drunk man who damaged a cheap walker was handled to my satisfaction.

    I think I woke up because of something that happened at work yesterday. I was working for the temp to hire employment staffing agency scheduled as a driver for a rental car company. I was hired to drive a rental car from Medford to the Eugene Airport and then ride back in a van with the other drivers to Medford.

    Once each driver had arrived at our meetup location at Eugene Airport and all the rental cars had been delivered we waited for two vans to be prepared for us to ride back to Medford in.

    A temp to hire employee who had driven from Medford to Eugene Airport in a rental car was chosen to drive one van of passengers to Medford. I rode in the van the temp to hire employee was chosen to drive. A manager with the rental car company drove the other van with passengers to Medford.

    The ride back was mostly uneventful and smooth but not 100% and that’s why I’m writing this post. I don’t expect a driver to be the very best driver on the road, but I do expect the driver to be safe and courteous. On the drive to Medford I was one of three passengers who sat on the row of seats directly behind the driver and the passenger in front. There were 11 of us total in the van including the driver.

    The max speed limit was 65mph. I couldn’t clearly see the speedometer from the passenger row where I was seated and don’t know if he drove the speed limit the whole 2 hour and 45 minute drive to Medford. I don’t think he drove too fast. He seemed to be driving mostly at the speed of traffic.

    The drive from Eugene to Medford goes through valleys and mountains. Some of the terrain is steep with steep inclines and a steep decent through the mountains.

    I noticed several times when the driver was speeding up to pass on the left lane a large semi truck, the semi truck had their left turn blinkers on and the driver of the van followed a car directly ahead of us to pass the semi truck in the right hand lane.

    The driver of the van effectively blocked the semi truck from turning on to the left hand lane until we had followed the car in front of us past the semi truck on the right hand lane.

    It’s not a driving maneuver I would have chosen to do and it rattled the passenger sitting next to me on the row of seats. I too was nervous that our van would get clipped by the semi truck if the semi truck merged onto the left hand lane.

    The diver of the van followed the car in front of us closely so even though the driver of the semi truck had their left turn signals on they didn’t have enough time to turn onto the left lane as the driver in front of us and the van passed the semi truck on the left hand lane.

    Another thing happened on the drive to Medford. The driver was talking a lot and listening a lot to the lady on the front passenger seat. They talked so much that the driver seemed to be giving too much attention to the lady sitting on the seat beside him and not enough attention to driving the van.

    At one point the driver intentionally swerved a little bit on the highway. It seemed like he intentionally swerved to get attention from the passengers. It was a little nerve racking when he intentionally swerved while driving at about 65mph on the highway.

    Another time I would choose to ride with a different driver.

    A driver who’s focus was a little more on driving and a little less on the lady sitting next to him. A driver who wouldn’t follow a car too close to pass a semi truck trying to turn onto the lane we were on. A driver who wouldn’t intentionally swerve while driving to get the attention of us passengers.

    We arrived from Eugene Airport in Medford at the rental car office safe.

  • 5 years ago this week

    I “graduated” from living in a secure mental health rehab facility. I moved into a motel room.

    Leading up to police intervention that put me in a psychiatric hospital I had been homeless living outdoors most nights for 6 years. My story is a miracle. Today I’m writing from my desk in my room in the apartment I lease. I have a job and a car I’m financing. I live half way across the country from the negative influences that had a grip on me and caused me to make very wrong choices and unhealthy actions that led me to homelessness.

    Writing every memory from when I was homeless feels impossible and not necessary. What’s important is that I went from having lost all my possessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack and relying on hand outs from strangers and food stamps to eat to living in a good apartment I furnished in a good neighborhood in a thriving community.

    There are many people I can thank for making my life as I know it possible. Over the years I was homeless very many volunteers helped me survive. People I had never met opened warming centers and shelters at night on some of the coldest snowy icy nights when I slept warm and safe inside.

    Many years before I became homeless I was diagnosed with bipolar syndrome and then years later my mental health deteriorated and I my diagnosis became scitzophrenia. I am very fortunate that medication for these diseases are cheap. Still for years I was very adverse to taking any prescribed medication and did not take my prescription regularly or at all.

    When I became homeless for 6 years I had not taken medication for my scitzophrenia for over two years. Being placed in the psychiatric hospital got me back on my prescription. That is where my rehabilitation began. It seems like I was in the psychiatric hospitals for 3 months. I started taking my prescribed medication every day. I participated in group therapy and met with a psychiatrist regularly while I was staying in the psychiatric hospital.

    I remember while staying in the psychiatric hospital for meals us patients were given plastic utensils that were the shape of a spoon and a for combined to eat with. No fork, no spoon, no butter knife. One utensil to eat with. It was part of the rehabilitation. At first I was given sandwiches and food I could eat with my hands. Only later was I given a spork utensile to eat with. After a while I was given a fork and a spoon and a butter knife to eat with.

    The number one and number two threats patients in psychiatric hosptials are is to themselves and to others. It took three months of constant supervision and video surveillance of me including me willingly taking my prescribed medication every day before I rehabilitated to when I was free to leave.

    During that time I was in contact with a professional working for social services. When I was released from the mental health rehabilitation facility the social services professional met me and drove me to a motel and paid for a room for me to stay in for one month. He also helped me get donated food from a local organization that helps food insecure people and he helped buy me some cooking equipment to use with the microwave in the room I was staying in, in the motel.

    During the day I visited the public library and with my food benefit card I made some food purchases at a store near the motel. I was still used to living outside and spent most of the month in the motel room. During that time I also went to the police station and gave them my fingerprints and agreed to go to a court date that was scheduled for the crime I was accused of while homeless with a warrant for me attached to it. The warrant was dropped.

    After the warrant was dropped I was welcomed to the Gospel Mission where I lived for 6 months in the mens dorm room on a cot. In the Gospel Mission I went to church every Sunday and studied the bible during the week. I did chores every day and I helped cook meals for the residents. While living in the Gospel Mission my biological family helped me apply for SSDI. After several months I was awarded SSDI.

    While living in the Gospel Mission I went to my scheduled court date where an attorney was appointed to defend me because I could not afford to hire one. During sentencing I was given one year of bench probation and ordered to continue to meet with a psychiatrist for as long as the psychiatrist recommended. The Judge also said to me and made it clear that I would need to take my prescribed medication for the rest of my life. I agreed with the Judge and apologized for my behavior that got me in trouble.

    I moved to an apartment in December where I had my own room living with 3 other adults, men and women. I lived in the apartment for one year. After living in the apartment for 10 months I went back to work part time for a temp to hire employment agency. During that time I also sought out a therapist from a online list of therapists at psychology.com. I scheduled a telehealth appointment with her and have been meeting with her regularly since.

    One year after moving into the apartment I moved into my own apartment I lease to this day. I started meeting with the therapist in person in my living room regularly. Meeting with the therapist in my home was a significant improvement to meeting with her via telehealth. Since then we started meeting at a local cafe I recommended where we now meet regularly. My therapist signed off on paperwork that enabled me to get a pet therapy dog.

    I completed bench probation and went to each and every meeting scheduled with a psychiatrist and therapist until it was no longer a requirement.

    I’m doing much better these days. I take care of my dog and take her on walks. My credit score improved. I went on a vacation to visit my biological family three years ago. I flew to Colorado and to Florida and visited my parents in both states. I rented a car in Florida and drove from the airport to where I stayed in a guest room in the assisted living residence where my mom lives.

    Two summers ago I went on vacation and rented a car and drove to Washington to visit my sister and her family.

    Last summer my mom and my half sister Hannah visited me and stayed with me in my home on separate visits.

    This Spring I went on a 3 day vacation where I rented a room in an Inn beside upper Rogue River and fished for trout and salmon. I caught 5 fish and they were all under 1 foot and released all of them. I brought my dog who was patient at the waters edge while I fished.

    Since getting back from the fishing trip I financed a car. I traded in my old minivan and the value was put into the car I financed through the dealership. I also became a member of the Church I began attending in February.

    I am a success story in living flesh.

  • A new to me car

    On Friday I went looking to buy a used car. I’d been impressed driving newer cars at work to and from the airport delivering them to the rental car company. And I’d been impressed driving newer cars at work in a local car auction. The value I experienced driving these newer cars was a motivator to buy a newer car.

    I took my minivan to the car wash and got a delux exterior wash and vacumed the inside. Then I drove home and and took warm water and soap and rags to the interior. It looked a lot better. I took miscellaneous objects in the door seats and center console and set them out of site in the glove compartment. I took out the throw rug that covered the running boar in the back of the minivan. It was ready to trade in for a newer car. The last thing I did was take the title to the minivan I owned clean and clear in my name and set it on top of the objects in the glove compartment. I was ready to trade it in.

    The first car dealership I went to was where I bought the minivan. I parked and looked around at their inventory and was not satisfied with what I saw. I drove to another local used car dealership, parked and was greeted by Jose, a salesman on the lot. I had a good feeling about Jose and he showed me about 10 cars before I found one I liked. I told Jose I was looking to trade in my minivan to offput some of the sales price on a used car.

    The car I liked is a white 2019 Kia Soul hatchback with 53,000 miles on the engine. I went on a test drive with Jose and the car felt good to drive. The sticker price on the car was $14,999. I wasn’t prepared to buy the car but I was prepared to finance a car.

    After talking about the car I liked with Jose and test driving it I was sold on the idea of applying to finance the car. Now was time for negotiation on the price. I told Jose I’d like to trade in my minivan for $2,000. While an employee of the dealership drove my minivan and had a mechanic check out the condition of the engine I sat in Jose’s office and we talked money. I asked if he could take $500 off the asking price. Jose said he could as his boss.

    Soon the employee returned with my minivan. They liked it and they wanted to finance the Kia Soul to me. They wouldn’t budge on the sales price of the Kia Soul but they did offer me $2,500 for my minivan in trade in value. I agreed with Jose to finance the Kia Soul and the employee who worked in finance at the dealership checked the numbers and prepared the paperwork for me to sign.

    It took a while for everything to be finalized but I was in no hurry and didn’t need to be anywhere else. I agreed to put $1,000 down on the Kia Soul and with the trade in money going to the Kia Soul it took another $2,500 off the $14,999. I have a good credit score and employment history working for the same company for almost 5 years. And I receive SSDI for my disability. And I had zero debt before financing the car.

    Nick who works in financing calculated a 72 month finance agreement with monthly payments of $229.98 at 11.9% interest and a requirement that I keep full coverage insurance on the car.

    Before I went looking to buy a newer car I called a local credit union and they said they would be able to get me a 5.9% interest on financing a used car in the price range I was looking to buy.

    I agreed to finance the car and signed the sales agreement Nick gave to me. I gave my minivan key to Jose and took everything in it out. Jose gave me the key to the Kia Soul and I put everything in it.

    And that was it, the car is financed to me in my name. Saturday morning I met with a lender at the Credit Union to refinance the Kia Soul and after checking out the details of the existing financing Randy confirmed with me that she car refinance the hatchback with a 5.9% interest rate when the car is registered to me. I’d already paid the dealership to register the car to me. It might take a few weeks or a month. When I receive the plates and registration in the mail I’ll make an appointment with Randy at the Credit Union to refinance the car.

    About the minivan. I bought the minivan when I was living at a Gospel Mission for men in recovery from having been homeless. I had been homeless for 6 years prior to being accepted into the Gospel Mission. After living in the Gospel Mission for several months my application for SSDI was accepted. I received a lump sum payment and am receiving monthly payments since. With the lump sum payment I put most of it into buying the minivan. My mental health had improved since moving into the Gospel Mission and I still had improvement to do. I had the idea that I would live in my minivan. I planned to move out of the Gospel Mission and into my minivan. Before making the leap at the last moment I was offered the option to rent a room in an apartment in town. I was so very relieved. I accepted the offer and moved into the apartment.

    I’d already given away the middle seats of the minivan because I thought I’d need the space on the floorboard to sleep on. When I traded in the minivan at the dealership the sales team were surprised and curious about why it was missing one set of back seats. They didn’t make a fuss about it and still gave me a good price for the minivan.

    It’s a relief not owning the minivan. I’m not a father. Many people look at a minivan and say that’s for a soccer mom or a dad. The minivan was more automobile than I needed. Yes it was reliable and I was able to do all my errands with it and even drive 3.5 hours away to the coast twice. But comparing the minivan to the hatchback, the hatchback is a better fit for me.

    Financing $11,796 with the Kia Soul is a big responsibility. $229.98 monthly payments is a significant monthly expense. Full coverage auto insurance is costing me about $50 more per month. I’ve taken on more financial responsibility with the Kia Soul.

    I feel confident I can make the full monthly payments for the Kia Soul on schedule. The newer car gets better gas mileage! The newer car has a lot of life as they say in it. The newer car is easier to park. I’ll feel more comfortable going on road trips in the Kia Soul.

    Driving an automobile and a motorcycle is a big responsibility. I’m more confident driving on four wheels and that’s what I stick to. None the less, driving on the road is a big responsibility. Safety first.

  • I can’t and I can

    I can’t change the past. I can’t take back the troubles and emotional pain I caused others. I can’t go back in time and make it better.

    I’ve moved far and away from the negative influences that had a grip on me.

    I’ve started over in a new to me community with new to me people and experiences and places to go. The move here is probably the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

    I’m getting older and making new friends is not as basic as it was when I was a young boy and as a young adult. I’m no longer a young adult.

    At 48 most people I meet want many of the same things. Peace stability and comfort. People want these things at all ages and often younger people rely on their elders to make it happen.

    As a middle age man I have the opportunity to meet people as they are. Call a spade a spade. Seek out the people and places that make me feel at peace, safe, secure and confident. People who look out for my best interest are the individuals I strive to meet and know and look out for.

    Starting over in a community that is new to me includes hesitance from locals naturally. I don’t hide that I’m not from around here. And I tell people where I’m from.

    The lesson is to never forget where you’re from. Where you are from may not represent who you are, but it did. Learn from the past and don’t dwell in those thoughts. Call on your memories from the past as they are, of the past and not as they could have been. Both the good and the bad. That is how to meet people in the present as they are without a filter, without a bias, without a motive.

    Good luck to you

  • Avoiding temptation. Focus on what’s good

    I’m at home sitting at my desk.

    Yesterday I went to a local park with a basketball court and brought my basketball. A mom was shooting hoops on the other side of the court with her two young children. I practiced by myself at one end shooting hoops and worked up a little sweat and got my heart pumping. A man was seated on a bench in the shade. One of the kids playing with his family on the court walked over to the man and they started talking. I think the man was probably the child’s dad.

    After a while of me making about 70% of the shots in the basket a young woman with her dog showed up near the court and sat down in the sunlight along the wall. She was beautiful. It was obvious to me that she was also homeless. She looked like she needed a new set of clothes and a shower and a good meal. I noticed that her breasts were hanging almost all the way out of her shirt. I continued shooting hoops and locked eyes with her several times.

    After a while she got up and walked with her dog to where she sat at a picnic table in the shade beside a homeless man.

    I was tempted to approach her and offer to buy her a meal. I didn’t. When I was done on the basketball court I set my basketball in my minivan, locked it and walked over to the calisthenics equipment in the park and exercised for a while. A woman and child were sitting on the grass talking. A man was sitting and reading in the shade under a large tree.

    My thoughts kept going back to the beautiful young homeless woman.

    When I was done exercising, I drove home. On the drive home I thought more about the beautiful young homeless woman and hoped she was able to find safety and the things she needed to get housing.

    I knew better. I knew from my own experience when I was homeless that although in one day a person can go from homeless to being housed it’s a process that takes a lot of time, days weeks and months of safe steady support in a stable healthy environment through the help of many people focused on helping a homeless person back into housing. That’s not my work.

    Sometimes I buy a homeless person a meal or hand a homeless person several dollars or my pocket change. I don’t trust that giving a homeless person I do not know more than a few dollars is a wise decision to make as a gift.

    I’m glad I didn’t approach the young beautiful homeless woman. I’m glad I didn’t speak to her. Looking her in the eyes was enough.

    Was she exposing her breasts to me on purpose or was she trying to be comfortable is not my business. I knew I could not help her and knew that approaching her would tempt me in ways that would not get her into permanent housing.

    Thinking more about the healthy strong families there in peace visiting the park while I exercised helped me to not lust after the beautiful young nearly topless homeless woman I could not help.

    I hope the homeless woman who was at the park makes it to where she is safe and supported and gets the help she needs to get into safe stable housing and a better future.

  • I wish

    I wish people of Earth are at peace. I wish for many things that are not tangible. Peace is a feeling. Being at peace is a state of mind. A peaceful mindset is calm. I wish people around Earth feel calm. I wish people around Earth know no-one will harm them. Confidence is a natural state of mind when there is no threat. Threats come in many forms. Threats can come from other people near and far.

    The other day my neighbor knocked on the door to my home and when I opened it she asked me to drive her to fer friends house for her to get her medication. Her ask was irritating to my peace of mind. I was getting ready to make a meal for myself when she knocked on the door to my home.

    I think my neighbor is using crystal meth amphetamine. She had blisters on her face and complained about being in pain. I think the medication at her friends house is not prescribed to her. It’s dangerous to take medication not prescribed to you. It’s also illegal.

    I told my neighbor no. That was it, she was upset and left. That’s ok with me. I’m not responsible for her.

    The same neighbor told me she’s not sober. She once told me she’s been using crystal meth amphetamine for most of her life. One week ago the same neighbor knocked on the door to my home and when I opened the door she started telling me a story and asked me if I remembered when her guests stole her possessions from her home. I said no. The only time I’ve been in her home was when she asked me to help connect her tablet to the internet. No one else was there. I don’t keep track of people coming and going to her home.

    She said she filed a police report and needed a ride to her friends house to get the police report. The story already sounded strange but I agreed and drove her to her friends house. On the way their she talked about how she’s in so much pain. In retrospect I think she went to her friends house for pain medication.

    I rarely give my neighbors rides anywhere. This is some of the drama that often surrounds the apartment buildings where I live. I live in a low income housing apartment. My guess is that every tenant in the apartment buildings receive some support from social services programs. I do. I am receiving SSDI from Social Security.

    I’ve lived in these apartment buildings for over 4 years. Many of the tenants in these apartment buildings seem to move away after one year. Some stay longer, some leave sooner. In the apartment buildings there is one tenant who has lived here longer than me.

    I feel safe in my neighborhood. I feel safe around my neighbors and it’s important that I keep a safe distance from them in general. Many of my neighbors have had or are addicts and have mental health problems.

    I was an addict for many years. I have mental health weaknesses I’m told will last the rest of my life and get worse over time. I’ve been sober for almost 11 years. I take prescribed medication every day that helps improve my mental health and minimizes mental health symptoms.

    I live alone in the apartment I lease. I have a pet therapy dog. My home is like a temple. I relax at home. I rest at home. After a long day at work I recuperate at home. I keep my home clean and enjoy being at home. Home is where the heart is. The hearth is at home.

    In news on my phone and computer and television very much of it is bad and unfortunate. It’s important for me to not consume too much bad news for my mental health and peace of mind.

    Life is good.