Interest or not

Tag: mental-health

  • Mental Health

    It’s interesting to realize that because of psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists and mental health workers and chemists who created medicine for individuals with mental health issues from minor to severe I am healthy and strong.

    Because these men and women dedicated their education and their careers to helping people who struggle with their mental health I was able to receive the treatment I needed and support and the prescribed medication I need to live a happy and healthy life.

    While I don’t interact or come in contact with the men and women who make up these professions on a daily weekly or monthly basis or at all, some of them I meet with regularly like the therapist I schedule appointments with to talk to. She is a professional who listens to me and supports me and gives me advice when she sees fit.

    As a man living with my pet therapy dog I don’t take everywhere, to the dog park mostly it is good to speak with my therapist from time to time at our meetings where I tell her about my life and am listened to. I can ask for advice and she’s happy to give it to me. It is good that I can afford my medication. It is good that refills are sent to me in the mail regularly. Taking the prescribed dose every day helps me manage my responsibilities, keeps me on an even keel and at 48 enables me to live an independent productive life in the apartment I live in and lease.

    I have received direct support over the years from every professional I listed above. While I have not met a chemist I have met men and women working in a pharmacy who helped fill my prescription.

    I am not alone in my community. The professionals I mentioned work hard to help many people in our community and beyond. They went to College and graduated and got careers in their field of study. I don’t know them by name. I know my therapists name.

    In general if I come in contact with the professionals I mentioned it is by chance, at a grocery store, at Church, while doing errands. They don’t know me like they did when I was receiving their direct support but they might remember my name from when they worked with me.

    These professionals work with a lot of people to improve their mental health. People in my community are directly benefited from their work and indirectly benefited from their work. People in my community are in all stages of mental health, from good to needing hands on support safe and secure in a hospital behind locked doors where they are best cared for and have the best opportunities to recover.

    This is difficult for some people to accept that they need to be placed or put or to stay in a psychiatric hospital for the opportunity to recover. Often the patients in a psychiatric hospital are there because they are considered a threat to their own well being or a threat to other peoples well being. They need to stay in the psychiatric hospital until it’s determined that they are not going to hurt themselves or anyone else.

    This is a reality of living in society. Not everyone is safe to be around. Not everyone gets the help and support they need to recover and live a healthy happy life. There are many homeless people in my community for many reasons.

    Some people were born into families experiencing homelessness and grew up homeless. Other people became homeless later in life for many reasons.

    Some people lost their home because they lost their work and were not able to afford to pay for a home to live in.

    Many people live paycheck to paycheck and have very little savings. If something happens such as a car accident and they are injured and unable to make a full recovery and are unable to return to work sometimes they become homeless.

    Sometimes members of a persons family dies or their whole family dies and the people they needed most for support and care are gone. This can be devastating and without receiving the support and care they were used to they become homeless.

    A natural disaster can be devastating such as a fire or and earthquake that leaves peoples homes burnt to the ground or rubble and sometimes they are not able to recover and become homeless.

    Sometimes American Veterans of foreign wars are injured defending American interests and the Veterans who survive and who made it back to the United States are not always cared for enough and have become homeless.

    Sometimes people make poor decisions such as taking illegal drugs which seriously compromises their mental health and their physical health and their safety and the safety and well being of others and they become homeless.

    Sometimes people who have a good home and live a stable life have a mental health weakness and need support and prescribed medication to be able to manage all their responsibilities that enables them to maintain their home and stable life. Sometimes these people with a mental health weakness refuse to take prescribed medication and their mental health deteriorates. They no longer make healthy and wise decisions and could become homeless.

    I grew up in a home and had a home to live in until I was 30 years old. At 27 I was diagnosed as having bi-polar disease. At one point I refused to take medication prescribed to me and slowly but surely my mental health deteriorated. I could no longer hold down a job. I had no savings and the little money I had was soon spent. I could not afford to rent a home and at 30 became homeless. I was homeless for one year when I was put in a psychiatric hospital where I began to recover.

    When I recovered to a point where I was able to leave the psychiatric hospital on my own my family took me in where I continued to recover. One season later I was living in a home I shared with the landlord I rented a room from and went back to work full time at a liquor store in my home town.

    Having grown up in stable housing for 30 years mostly with family and then on my own where I turned 18 the memories of being homeless for one year were very difficult for me to accept. I wished the memories would disappear like a bad dream. Instead of learning what not to do from being homeless the sad fact that I had been homeless ate away at me.

    From 31-35 I remained housed and employed. I had a very difficult time accepting that I had been homeless. At one point I stopped taking the medication that was prescribed to me. During that time I also started using illegal drugs. The decisions I was making put me in danger physically, mentally and legally. I took risks that were not wise. My mental health was strained and I was working too much, overtime almost every week. I was addicted to illegal drugs, methamphetamine and cocaine and I drank alcohol regularly.

    I could no longer manage my responsibilities. My mental health broke down. I closed the business I had started and soon spent all my savings. Before long I could no longer afford to pay for the room in the house I leased and became homeless a second time at 35.

    From 35-37 I was homeless in my hometown of Boulder and in Denver Colorado. I refused to take the medication that would have helped me recover. I lost all my possessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack with supplies for living outdoors. My family helped me as they could and were unwilling to let me live with them because I was not taking the prescribed medication. My ability to communicate was limited. I hallucinated visions and sounds that were not real. I had a difficult time understanding people.

    At 37 I got in contact with my mom in Oregon. She invited me to move to Oregon to be closer to her. My mom did not let me move in with her and she did help me get some medical help for my feet that I desperately needed. My mom met me from time to time with gifts like a new backpack and a new sleeping bag and meals and water. I was nomadic, traveling every day rarely sleeping in the same place. I trusted few people and did not make friends with other homeless people. I was very stubborn and still refused to take the medication.

    At 41 I was still homeless living outside most nights and sometimes at a warming center for a night. I had become a public nuisance and often was placed in custody for disturbing the peace and stayed one two or three nights in Jail. One day the police took me into custody and put me in a psychiatric hospital where my recovery began. I started taking my prescribed medication every day. After three months in two separate psychiatric hospitals I recovered enough to leave.

    I still had a lot of recovering to do and Social Services paid for a motel room for one month for me to stay in. From living in a motel I moved to a Mission where I lived for 6 months. During this time I attended Church services every Sunday and studied the bible every day. I helped doing chores every day keeping the Mission clean and volunteered in the kitchen helping prepare meals for the residents and guests of the Mission.

    During this time my mom helped me apply for SSDI. Several months after my application to Social Security for SSDI I received an award letter. Social Security awarded me SSDI. Soon after I moved out of the Mission into a shared apartment with three other adults. I lived in the apartment for one year. During that time I went back to work part time. I also sought out a therapist I found at psychology.com who agreed to work with me. I’ve been meeting the same therapist regularly since.

    One year later I moved out of the shared apartment into my own apartment where I live. I have lived in this apartment for four and one half years. My apartment is in a safe neighborhood. I have a pet therapy dog. I take my prescribed medication every day since my recovery began over 5 years ago. I manage the money I receive as SSDI payments on my own and I manage the money I earn from my part time work. I have a car and am able to drive around town to do my errands and go to work. Recently I went on vacation with my dog and drove to where I went fishing for three days on Upper Rogue River.

    I’ve come a long way since experiencing homelessness. I am physically strong and my mental health has improved very much. I will need to take my prescription for the rest of my life and I agree to taking it. I wouldn’t want to be homeless for one day.

     From time to time I remember when I was homeless and am compassionate with the memory. I don’t avoid the memory of being homeless. Sometimes the memories of when I was homeless enters my thoughts during the day. Other times a memory of when I was homeless enters my thoughts when I’m in bed. They are not pleasant thoughts. In fact they are thoughts about survival and of what I’ve overcome. I don’t dwell on those thoughts. I sit with them or lay with them in bed then let them pass.

    Sometimes I see a homeless person in public and hope they make it safe to where they are able to recover. Seeing a homeless person sometimes reminds me of when I was homeless and I know that the person I’m looking at is a unique individual with their own past and present circumstances that have nothing to do with me other than visual proximity. Me having been homeless was not a character flaw, it happened to me because of an accumulation of poor choices and unwise actions.

    I would only be telling part of the story if I didn’t mention the many men and women and even young adult volunteers who fed me meals and opened up overnight shelters and warming centers where I received life sustaining support. Many people donated socks and shoes and all the clothes I wore when I was homeless.

    Since the first time I was placed in a psychiatric hospital I’ve returned to different psychiatric hospitals 8 times if my memory serves. I don’t have a clear memory of every time I was a patient in a psychiatric hospital. Some of those memories are vague and blurred together. My best guess is I’ve been a patient in a psychiatric hospital 8 times. I was always happy to leave every psychiatric hospital I was a patient in when I recovered enough and released. During those stays I was diagnosed as schizoaffective and then later as schizophrenic.

    The last time I was released from a psychiatric hospital was May 2021. I have been in recovery since. I’m grateful health care workers are on staff in psychiatric hospitals every day and every night of the year. Mental health professionals at work have a lot to do with why I’m alive and well. If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, please contact a psychiatrist or a therapist for help. Life is better with you.

     I hope my words will help people who want to understand some of the reasons people become homeless and will help people who are struggling with their mental health or with homelessness, giving them hope that they can recover and live a happy healthy law-abiding life in peace and in comfort.

  • 5 years ago this week

    I “graduated” from living in a secure mental health rehab facility. I moved into a motel room.

    Leading up to police intervention that put me in a psychiatric hospital I had been homeless living outdoors most nights for 6 years. My story is a miracle. Today I’m writing from my desk in my room in the apartment I lease. I have a job and a car I’m financing. I live half way across the country from the negative influences that had a grip on me and caused me to make very wrong choices and unhealthy actions that led me to homelessness.

    Writing every memory from when I was homeless feels impossible and not necessary. What’s important is that I went from having lost all my possessions other than the clothes I wore and a backpack and relying on hand outs from strangers and food stamps to eat to living in a good apartment I furnished in a good neighborhood in a thriving community.

    There are many people I can thank for making my life as I know it possible. Over the years I was homeless very many volunteers helped me survive. People I had never met opened warming centers and shelters at night on some of the coldest snowy icy nights when I slept warm and safe inside.

    Many years before I became homeless I was diagnosed with bipolar syndrome and then years later my mental health deteriorated and I my diagnosis became scitzophrenia. I am very fortunate that medication for these diseases are cheap. Still for years I was very adverse to taking any prescribed medication and did not take my prescription regularly or at all.

    When I became homeless for 6 years I had not taken medication for my scitzophrenia for over two years. Being placed in the psychiatric hospital got me back on my prescription. That is where my rehabilitation began. It seems like I was in the psychiatric hospitals for 3 months. I started taking my prescribed medication every day. I participated in group therapy and met with a psychiatrist regularly while I was staying in the psychiatric hospital.

    I remember while staying in the psychiatric hospital for meals us patients were given plastic utensils that were the shape of a spoon and a for combined to eat with. No fork, no spoon, no butter knife. One utensil to eat with. It was part of the rehabilitation. At first I was given sandwiches and food I could eat with my hands. Only later was I given a spork utensile to eat with. After a while I was given a fork and a spoon and a butter knife to eat with.

    The number one and number two threats patients in psychiatric hosptials are is to themselves and to others. It took three months of constant supervision and video surveillance of me including me willingly taking my prescribed medication every day before I rehabilitated to when I was free to leave.

    During that time I was in contact with a professional working for social services. When I was released from the mental health rehabilitation facility the social services professional met me and drove me to a motel and paid for a room for me to stay in for one month. He also helped me get donated food from a local organization that helps food insecure people and he helped buy me some cooking equipment to use with the microwave in the room I was staying in, in the motel.

    During the day I visited the public library and with my food benefit card I made some food purchases at a store near the motel. I was still used to living outside and spent most of the month in the motel room. During that time I also went to the police station and gave them my fingerprints and agreed to go to a court date that was scheduled for the crime I was accused of while homeless with a warrant for me attached to it. The warrant was dropped.

    After the warrant was dropped I was welcomed to the Gospel Mission where I lived for 6 months in the mens dorm room on a cot. In the Gospel Mission I went to church every Sunday and studied the bible during the week. I did chores every day and I helped cook meals for the residents. While living in the Gospel Mission my biological family helped me apply for SSDI. After several months I was awarded SSDI.

    While living in the Gospel Mission I went to my scheduled court date where an attorney was appointed to defend me because I could not afford to hire one. During sentencing I was given one year of bench probation and ordered to continue to meet with a psychiatrist for as long as the psychiatrist recommended. The Judge also said to me and made it clear that I would need to take my prescribed medication for the rest of my life. I agreed with the Judge and apologized for my behavior that got me in trouble.

    I moved to an apartment in December where I had my own room living with 3 other adults, men and women. I lived in the apartment for one year. After living in the apartment for 10 months I went back to work part time for a temp to hire employment agency. During that time I also sought out a therapist from a online list of therapists at psychology.com. I scheduled a telehealth appointment with her and have been meeting with her regularly since.

    One year after moving into the apartment I moved into my own apartment I lease to this day. I started meeting with the therapist in person in my living room regularly. Meeting with the therapist in my home was a significant improvement to meeting with her via telehealth. Since then we started meeting at a local cafe I recommended where we now meet regularly. My therapist signed off on paperwork that enabled me to get a pet therapy dog.

    I completed bench probation and went to each and every meeting scheduled with a psychiatrist and therapist until it was no longer a requirement.

    I’m doing much better these days. I take care of my dog and take her on walks. My credit score improved. I went on a vacation to visit my biological family three years ago. I flew to Colorado and to Florida and visited my parents in both states. I rented a car in Florida and drove from the airport to where I stayed in a guest room in the assisted living residence where my mom lives.

    Two summers ago I went on vacation and rented a car and drove to Washington to visit my sister and her family.

    Last summer my mom and my half sister Hannah visited me and stayed with me in my home on separate visits.

    This Spring I went on a 3 day vacation where I rented a room in an Inn beside upper Rogue River and fished for trout and salmon. I caught 5 fish and they were all under 1 foot and released all of them. I brought my dog who was patient at the waters edge while I fished.

    Since getting back from the fishing trip I financed a car. I traded in my old minivan and the value was put into the car I financed through the dealership. I also became a member of the Church I began attending in February.

    I am a success story in living flesh.

  • I wish

    I wish people of Earth are at peace. I wish for many things that are not tangible. Peace is a feeling. Being at peace is a state of mind. A peaceful mindset is calm. I wish people around Earth feel calm. I wish people around Earth know no-one will harm them. Confidence is a natural state of mind when there is no threat. Threats come in many forms. Threats can come from other people near and far.

    The other day my neighbor knocked on the door to my home and when I opened it she asked me to drive her to fer friends house for her to get her medication. Her ask was irritating to my peace of mind. I was getting ready to make a meal for myself when she knocked on the door to my home.

    I think my neighbor is using crystal meth amphetamine. She had blisters on her face and complained about being in pain. I think the medication at her friends house is not prescribed to her. It’s dangerous to take medication not prescribed to you. It’s also illegal.

    I told my neighbor no. That was it, she was upset and left. That’s ok with me. I’m not responsible for her.

    The same neighbor told me she’s not sober. She once told me she’s been using crystal meth amphetamine for most of her life. One week ago the same neighbor knocked on the door to my home and when I opened the door she started telling me a story and asked me if I remembered when her guests stole her possessions from her home. I said no. The only time I’ve been in her home was when she asked me to help connect her tablet to the internet. No one else was there. I don’t keep track of people coming and going to her home.

    She said she filed a police report and needed a ride to her friends house to get the police report. The story already sounded strange but I agreed and drove her to her friends house. On the way their she talked about how she’s in so much pain. In retrospect I think she went to her friends house for pain medication.

    I rarely give my neighbors rides anywhere. This is some of the drama that often surrounds the apartment buildings where I live. I live in a low income housing apartment. My guess is that every tenant in the apartment buildings receive some support from social services programs. I do. I am receiving SSDI from Social Security.

    I’ve lived in these apartment buildings for over 4 years. Many of the tenants in these apartment buildings seem to move away after one year. Some stay longer, some leave sooner. In the apartment buildings there is one tenant who has lived here longer than me.

    I feel safe in my neighborhood. I feel safe around my neighbors and it’s important that I keep a safe distance from them in general. Many of my neighbors have had or are addicts and have mental health problems.

    I was an addict for many years. I have mental health weaknesses I’m told will last the rest of my life and get worse over time. I’ve been sober for almost 11 years. I take prescribed medication every day that helps improve my mental health and minimizes mental health symptoms.

    I live alone in the apartment I lease. I have a pet therapy dog. My home is like a temple. I relax at home. I rest at home. After a long day at work I recuperate at home. I keep my home clean and enjoy being at home. Home is where the heart is. The hearth is at home.

    In news on my phone and computer and television very much of it is bad and unfortunate. It’s important for me to not consume too much bad news for my mental health and peace of mind.

    Life is good.

  • Pain

    I don’t often feel pain. I’m healthy and strong. I rarely have a headache. Many years ago I fractured my wrists in a bicycle accident. That was painful. A long time ago I skateboarded, this was before I got my first car. I skateboarded a lot and from time to time fell onto the hard cement or road. That was painful.

    I am accurate to say the greatest pains in my life are more about mental anguish, confusion and uncertainty. They are a different kind of pain. Unlike falling onto a hard surface that is physically painful, mental anguish is not painful.

    I’ve experienced severe mental anguish when I was homeless. Not knowing where I was going to sleep day after day after day was mental anguish. Not knowing how I was going to feed myself for years homeless was mental anguish. Not having clean clothes to wear and not being able to bathe often was mental anguish.

    I never got used to it. I knew I would overcome and get back into housing. I knew to not give up. I didn’t give up and through a series of extraordinary events I was given a chance to get back into housing and took it.

    I had a lot of rehabilitation to do. After living outside for six years, I needed a lot of mental health rehabilitation. I started taking medication for my mental health I take to this day. I’ve been housed for the last five years and eight months.

    It’s 1:15 AM. While I slept last night I had a feeling of pain in my sleep. It wasn’t physical pain. It was mental anguish. Part of my dream was of when I was a teenager living in my fathers home. It was a very stressful time.

    My environment growing up wasn’t healthy in many ways. In Elementary school I took special education classes. I never did excel to the top of my class in academics. I managed to get decent grades when I tried very hard to understand the topic being taught. After one year of College I did not re enroll. I wasn’t ready to choose a major field of study and did not have enough of a reason to continue studying for a higher education.

    My father paid for my college enrollment and books and for the classes I took. When I stopped going to college my father took back the car he had given to me.

    I went back to work full time and other than when I was homeless have worked since.

  • I gave up

    Late at night safe and sound alone in my bed in my room in my apartment I rent. The words “I give up” entered my thoughts. I am very fortunate that I am strong and healthy and live in a good home in a safe neighborhood in a thriving community.

    I got up and drank some apple juice from my fridge. I slept ok. Then later last night my pet dog woke me up and I brought her outside to piss. I went back to bed and slept better. I woke up early this morning around 6am.

    I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. I have a job. I have a car. I receive SSDI and my income from SSDI and my part time job enable me to pay my bills and save some money.

    My home is clean and warm and my kitchen is filled with fresh nutritious foods. The plumbing works well. The water is clean and clear and heats up hot with the press of the sink handle. My heater keeps my entire apartment warm when it’s cold outside and cool during hot summer days. The roof and walls are solid and no leaks enter my home.

    My windows open bringing in fresh air from outside. The electricity is powerful and stable and connected in every area of my home. The internet connection is solid and stable and fast. I have all the material things I need in my home where I live comfortably.

    When I need to go shopping in town I do just that and typically drive to the stores I shop in. My home is built on a solid foundation on solid ground hundreds of miles inland in Southern Oregon’s Rogue Valley in Medford.

    I keep the three plants in my home watered regularly and in good health. I meet with a therapist regularly who supports me and my goals and my wishes and ambition. I can afford my medication that keeps my mental health strong.

    My family live thousands of miles away and they are all well and safe, housed and fed, employed and retired and living in peace.

    I vote to elect the persons who I feel best represent myself and Americans. I am free to travel and move into a better home in my community or another community that I choose.

    I can earn as much money as possible and get off SSDI. I am single and becoming available. I will meet a woman and become in love with her and she will love me in return.

    I can exercise every day and lose 70 pounds. English is my first language and I have a good command of it.

    45 days ago I started a project to feed as many homeless and food insecure people as possible at the website nourishlink.org I created by helping donors connect with specified and verified food relief charities working on the ground feeding homeless and food insecure people.

    I am free to make plans with people who interest me and I care about.

    Last night was the first time I remember telling myself “I give up” Today is January 31st 2026. The time is 9:43am Pacific. It was ok to “give up” and it is good to be strong and safe and secure here at my desk, the Nourish Link Organization office in my room in my apartment.

    My apartment is affordable and I will move into a better apartment this year and maybe pay a bit more where there will be no rule stopping me from inviting guests overnight without permission from the property management company.

    I am 47 and will be 48 in February. I have so many good things to accomplish in this life of mine. I am a good man. I am a good neighbor. I am a valued resident of my community.

    I am no longer homeless. I no longer have a warrant out for me. I am a law abiding citizen of United States and resident of Medford Oregon. I have a safe, secure and clean environment I live in. When I am ready I can move to a safe and secure apartment or house in a safe neighborhood that serves me better.

    I am not bound by my lease on my apartment. When I’ve found a new to me apartment or house to move into I will give notice to the apartment manager of this property. I can move into a new to me place and make it my home in 30 days.

  • Louder than words

    I’ve been sober for almost 12 years. Sobriety is a blessing I am thankful for everyday. Before getting sober I was addicted to cocaine and methamphetamine. I was severely addicted for years and spent many thousands of dollars on my addiction. My addiction to illegal drugs reduced my health significantly. I made bad decisions over and over again. I put myself in danger every time I met a drug dealer and I put my loved ones at risk because of the bad decisions I was making. One of the bad decisions I made during that time was to stop taking my medication for my mental health. My mental health spiraled out of control. I closed my business and with no income my savings were soon gone. I could not afford to renew my lease on my home and was soon homeless.

    That was 10 years ago. While I was homeless for six years I rarely had money and when I did have money it was usually no more than $20. I stayed sober while I was homeless which helped me survive. Still I was not taking medication for my mental health and stubbornly apposed taking medication despite my parents and sisters urging me to take medication. I got back into housing 4.5 years ago because the police intervened. I was placed in a psychiatric hospital where I began my recovery. I’ve been taking my medication every day since the intervention when I started to recover.

    These days I lease an apartment. I went back to work part time. I have a pet dog. I have a car. I am disabled and can work part time and keep SSDI. I hope to go back to work full time and get off SSDI. My mental health condition is considered a life long condition that is expected to deteriorate over time. I’ll need to take higher doses of my medication to manage myself at some point. Taking a higher dose of medication is well worth living independently.

    Cocaine and Methamphetamine are dangerous drugs, highly addictive, illegal and are responsible for many deaths every year. People lose their lives when they are addicted to drugs. People become incarcerated when they are using drugs. People are exposed to violence and gangs and cartels and low lives who are a danger to themselves and others when they do drugs.

    I’m inspired to write about my struggles using illegal drugs after watching a news report on television about the capture of Nicolas Maduro. There will always be people who say that he is a good man and there will always be people who say that he was the leader of not only Venezuela but also a cartel responsible for many violent deaths and the trafficking and distribution of cocaine.

    Cocaine comes from Peru and Columbia. Venezuela is in route between those countries and USA. Venezuela is also a very large source of oil. Weather the capture of Nicolas Madura and inevitable regime change in Venezuela is about stopping cocaine from getting to USA or improving business conditions for oil to be shipped to USA or both I’m not going to argue about any of those.

    I hope the regime change in Venezuela brings peace and stability to the Venezuelan people and that a democratically elected leader comes into power in the foreign country. I hope no one loses their life in the regime change and US Military are not brought in further to run Venezuela.

    People use cocaine and it’s bad news. People will continue to use cocaine and their demand for the supply of cocaine from Peru and Columbia will continue to spread bad news and bad outcomes for everyone involved. The problem starts in Peru and Columbia where the plant grows and is processed all the way in the trafficking of it to the person whether they are using it for the first time or are addicted to the drug.

    People joke about illegal drugs, wishing that they were legal. When I was using illegal drugs I joked about the topic of legalizing illegal drugs. It’s not funny. Cocaine and  Methamphetamine are deadly and cause chaos in every corner and every turn.

    I can’t go back in time and turn down illegal drugs. It’s a part of my past and the past doesn’t change. I survived. I quit using illegal drugs. I let go of everyone I knew who used and sold illegal drugs. I moved half way across USA to a community new to me where I know none of those bad influences. They exist. I see people in public struggling with addiction. I see people lying on the ground in public overdosed on fentanyl. The problem remains and I keep a safe distance from it.

    Using illegal drugs is selfish. It’s a selfish act. It puts the user in danger and the act of buying illegal drugs encourages the whole supply chain that is fraught with deception and hiding from the law and hidden agendas.

    The problems surrounding cocaine effect people of all ages and all races and all levels of economic prosperity and economic hardship. If you are struggling with addiction to illegal drugs there is help. People want to help you. Safe people in safe neighborhoods want to help you. People living law abiding lives want to help you. People want to see you overcome your addiction and leave it in the past. People want to see you healthy and happy. People want to see you in control of your life. People want to see you succeed. People want to see you safe and secure and healthy. Quitting illegal drugs is an action. It’s louder than words.

  • Merry Christmas

    This Christmas eve I went to bed alone. I woke up early and my pet dog Sage greeted me. It the two of us and we have the whole apartment to ourselves. Sometimes I miss being around family and friends during Christmas. I imagine young children waking up safe and sound warm and dry, clean and with enough good food to eat. With many gifts from their family and friends waiting for them to open around their decorated Christmas tree. My imagination brings me joy and hope and good will towards humanity.

    I know many men women and children are waking up today cold and wet in soiled clothes and hungry having slept outside. I hope and pray for peace and comfort for them today and in the New Year.

    I am very fortunate to have a safe and warm home with a heater and plumbing and electricity in a safe neighborhood. And I’m fortunate that my kitchen is stalked with fresh nutritious foods.

    I’m grateful that I have work. I am grateful for the many men and women who volunteered and donated money and food and their time to charities I benefited from that helped keep me alive when I was homeless.

    I am grateful to live in USA, the country I am from and grew up in. I am grateful for the many things Americans have in United States like a stable Government, police and firefighters, hospitals and Doctors and Military protecting us.

    I am grateful that USA is a powerful country and I hope American US citizens can use our power to help other countries with less means to care for and protect their people.

    Before I was homeless I worked full time for many years starting at age 15. I paid income taxes on my work accomplished and I’m grateful to be a recipient of Social Security Disability Insurance. I’m grateful I can afford to pay for my medication that helps my mental health. I’m grateful my insurance covers my meetings with a Therapist I elected to meet with regularly. I live very far away, half way across the country from my closest in distance family. I am no longer a young boy and making friends in my local community is not as basic as it was in my home town many years ago.

    I’m grateful for my co-workers I’m getting to know better. I’m grateful for a local organization I’ve volunteered with and for my friends I’ve made volunteering together.

    I’m grateful I have the opportunity to earn as much money as possible and if and when I earn enough money will no longer qualify to receive SSDI. This is my opportunity. I am physically strong and able bodied. My mental health is very important to me and taking medication to reduce negative symptoms of my mental health is working.

    I’m grateful I own a car and do all my shopping and buy groceries and run errands and drive to work and to visit places in town and further away.

    I am grateful for the people I meet almost every day in town when I go to buy a cup of hot coffee in a cafe and when I shop in stores.

    I have so many things to be grateful for. I’m grateful I was able to start over from owning only the clothes I wore on my back to leasing an apartment I’ve filled with my possessions I’ve bought and gathered such as a cluster of sea shells I picked up on a beach.

    I’m grateful my ability to develop websites I kept although on hold through the years homeless I am currently using to give back to the local community. To learn about my new project helping to feed homeless people and people experiencing food insecurity in this region visit the website at https://nourishlink.org

    I hope to build Nourish Link with the help of many people who have skills that I don’t posses and bring insight and strength to the project beyond what I alone have began. I hope Nourish Link helps to feed many thousands of people in need of food support.

    I hope you and your loved ones are safe and warm.

    JAG

  • Luck

    I’m very lucky. I was in court 4.5 years ago and the judge told me I can not own a firearm. I’m lucky because I have no interest in owning a firearm. Violence doesn’t interest me. The only place I can stand violence is on a movie screen. Generally I’d rather watch a movie that is not violent. I still enjoy watching action and suspense movies on occasion and I leave the drama on the screen.

    I’ve had a lot of drama in my life when I was a kid and since then as an adult. The judge also told me in court that I need to take my prescription for the rest of my life. That is an order I accept. I accept both orders from the judge. I’ve been taking my medication every day for almost 5 years and went from living outdoors on the streets to having a home again.

    I have a car and a job and a pet dog and I pay my bills on time. I don’t know why the judge ruled that I can’t posses a firearm and that’s ok with me. I think it has to do with my case where I was barely recognized as being able to stand trial. The judge and prosecutor against me debated whether I was mentally competent to stand trial. I was doing very good taking my medication every day and going to all my psychologist and therapist meetings and doing well and showing improvement in the half way house I was living in. All these things combined had to do with the decision that I could stand trial.

    I was granted an attorney because I couldn’t afford one and he did a good job defending me in court. I have a long history of being in and out of psychological hospitals. Never for harming anyone else and never for self harm but when I was off my medication my behavior became very erratic and out of an abundance of caution I was brought in as an inpatient in numerous psychiatric hospitals.

    The first time I was a patient in a psychiatric hospital I was 30 and have gone back a number of times. I’m 47 and the last time I was in a psychiatric hospital was almost 5 years ago. I’m doing good these days. I live in an apartment I lease half way across the country from where I was born and grew up.

    I made many bad decisions as a teenager and in my twenties and grew up around many bad influences that were involved in illegal drugs and crime. I am grateful to be living safe and secure very very very far and away from those negative influences that surrounded me growing up and in my twenties.

    Life is not perfect, it’s not perfect for anyone. Sometimes I want more than what I can afford. I want to live in an apartment with a fenced in yard for my dog so she can go outside all day. It seems cruel to keep my dog inside almost every hour of the day every day.

    I’m keeping my hopes up. I would like to get off SSDI and go back to work full time. If I do that I could afford to rent a better apartment or a house with a fenced in yard for my dog.

    I’d like to be able to provide for a woman. I’d like to start a family and my experience having had a very difficult time just taking care of myself and staying housed makes the prospect of being able to provide for a woman less likely.

    Who knows, maybe I’ll fall in love with a sugar girlfriend who can afford to pay all the expenses. It could happen. I’m not holding my breath. If that were to happen there is a higher probability that if we have children that our kids are more likely to have mental health impairments.

    I have schizophrenia. I’ve been told by Doctor’s that my condition will deteriorate over time and my symptoms will increase. Schizophrenia is considered a life long disease. It’s not contagious but children of parents with schizophrenia have a higher risk of having mental health problems.

    I can see why a woman who want’s to have children would not want my sperm to get pregnant with. We could still love each other and raise a family together, but to be safe we would be wise to find a sperm sample from a sperm donor at a facility where men donate sperm to impregnate her.

    Schizophrenia is a serious mental health disease people have died from how they acted due to their symptoms. It causes hallucinations both visual and auditory. When a person with schizophrenia is experiencing their symptoms it can be very difficult to have a conversation with them. Often they become paranoid and irrational. Their words get mixed up and they have a difficult time communicating. This causes many problems because they are seeing things that are not real and hearing things that no one else hears.

    The down side of taking my medication every day is that some days I don’t want to leave my home. I’d rather lay on the couch and in bed almost all day. I might not even take my dog on a walk. I might be completely unmotivated. Those are difficult days.

    Work helps. I like to work and I like to be busy and have things to do. But I don’t work full time. I work part time. I can keep my SSDI benefits and work part time. If I go back to work full time I’ll lose my SSDI benefits.

    It’s scary because my SSDI benefits make up a significant amount of my monthly bills. That’s not what’s scary, what’s scary is that if I found a full time job and got hired there would be work days when I’d rather be home instead of working.

    I think that’s normal for many people, and people who don’t have a mental health disability are better at coping with wishing they were at home when they are working a full time job.

    I’m physically healthy. I am a laborer and can probably work another 20 years or longer doing labor. I’d like to think I can go back to work full time for 20 plus more years.

  • Things sometimes taken for granted

    I just turned on the heat in my home for the first time this Fall. After adjusting the thermostat to the desired temperature heat began flowing through the floor vents within two minutes where air conditioning flowed in the summer. I am so grateful and fortunate to have a home. It’s an apartment and I lease it. I was homeless for six years of my adult life. Most nights of those six years homeless I slept outside under the stars. I knew many cold nights. Cold snowy, icy winter Colorado nights. Nights where I kept moving to stave off the cold, stopping just long enough to rest and then walking through the night to keep from freezing to death until a bus station opened or a cafe when I could afford a cup of coffee. Some of those nights I was welcomed into warming centers for the homeless. Some nights I had a cot reserved in a homeless shelter. Some of those nights a Church and a Synagogue opened their doors as warming centers for homeless people where I stayed. Without the volunteers and donations that afforded me shelter on some of the coldest nights I would not be alive. Volunteers providing free health care and free meals helped to keep me alive and pushing through while I was homeless.

    I had stopped taking my prescribed medication for schizophrenia several years before my debilitated mental health forced me from the home I rented, onto the streets. While I was homeless I didn’t take medication. My refusal to take medication was a major contributing factor why I was homeless for six years.

    I lost all my belongings while I was homeless other than the clothes I wore and a backpack with supplies for living outside.

    Since then I started over. I was placed in a psychiatric hospital where I started taking medication and my recovery began. Recovery has been a long process. I still feel paranoia sometimes that makes no logical sense though through taking my medication every day my mental health has improved very much.

    It is perhaps simple for a person who has always lived in their home to take air conditioning and heat for granted. As people age they eventually start paying their own bills including utilities and might not take heat and air conditioning for granted the way they could have as a child.

    Growing up my home was always warm enough in the winter and if we didn’t have air conditioning we opened the windows to cool the place. That was normal to me. I took the warmth of home when it was cold outside for granted.

    At 18 I was working full time and moved into my own place, and began to pay all my bills. Paying my bills was an accomplishment. The feeling of independence from my family felt good.

    I had stable housing from when I was born until I was 27 when I became bipolar.

    I became homeless because I was using illegal drugs, stopped taking my medication and was emotionally strung out about a relationship with a woman that did not go the way I wanted it to.

    I had very little money when I was homeless and stopped using illegal drugs. I was single and not very eligible giving the conditions I was living in. My behavior was irrational and ability to communicate deteriorated significantly.

    I am very fortunate that my medication is affordable. Taking my medication every day has helped my recovery to this day. I can hold down intellectual conversations. I understand what people say when speaking to me. I regained control of my behavior.

    I lease my apartment. I have a job working as a laborer. I pay all my bills on time. I have a car and a pet dog. I live in a safe neighborhood and thriving community.

    My life is far from perfect and I have many things to be grateful and thankful for. I receive S.S.D.I. and I can go back to work full time and get off S.S.D.I. one day. Receiving S.S.D.I. is a blessing. Very many Americans are to thank for Social Security. You’ve probably paid into Social Security in your taxes and so have I.

    It’s good to be an American and a U.S. Citizen living in United States. I disagree with much of the current Administration in the White House in D.C. decisions they’ve made and policies and that is my right to disagree with politics I don’t believe in. Remember to vote.

    Many Americans become homeless for reasons outside of their control. I am lucky and fortunate that I was given the opportunity to recover in a safe and stable environment. I have many blessings and am a lucky man. I am a success story. While living in low income housing and working as a laborer at 47 years old might not look successful to many people, I am living the life I dreamed of when I was living on the streets.

  • It’s a peaceful life in the North West. Early Fall and the days are warm and nights are cold. It’s not much of a city here with the country side just down the road. From here, and this is the biggest city for many miles. From far away and this feels like a town. All-nighter clubs and bars don’t exist. Most go home before dark. The community is quiet at night. The highway through town brings travelers from across the country and their haul. Timber, pears and seafood from the west coast.

    I worry about illegal hauls, drug runners from south of the border poisoning the community with addiction. It’s a fierce battle for peoples health and safety, freedom and livelihood. The addiction is real, young kids get hooked on a drug growing up making bad decisions and risking it all. Keep your eyes open and nose clean. Word to the wise.

    I grew up one day, made better decisions than when I was a young man. Still the scars are on peoples lips at work, scars from bad decisions made they’re paying for to this day. Work is labor, it’s not the office kind. Work is controlling traffic at a construction zone. Good for a young man not in college trying to get by. Good for an older man who didn’t graduate college and still has the strength to stand for eight hours on the side of a road for a days pay.

    No hi paying salary here, that’s for a career at a desk. Sometimes I wonder what will become of me when I no longer have the strength to work on my feet laboring day by day. I hope to live long and in peace, one day with caretakers who keep me housed and fed. Keep your chin up.

    It’s a different kind of look into the future living paycheck to paycheck. Used to laboring for pay will come to an end one day. It’s not a future where all needs are met and then some. Being thrifty goes a long way. Limited money speaks for itself. It is worth living. Making the most of every day.